Dear Lisa,
My older sister and I have not spoken in a month. I was getting a little frustrated with her because she would always invite our younger sister to go places and not me and I still don't get why a 22 year old would want to hang out with a 16 year old over a 20 year old. Our problems worsened when we traveled down to Florida together to see our oldest sister and the two of them sort of ganged up on me and tried to convince me I was incredibly judgmental. I defended myself at the time but never really said anything about how angry it actually made me--I tend to be a very passive person.
Once we were back in Virginia, my sister and I got into a fairly silly argument over a pair of pants. For me, the argument wasn't really about the pants at all, it was about everything else, but I never told her that and I'm still not sure if she knows. I know the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk to her and explain why I was really upset and apologize for making such a big deal out of the pants incident, but she's never been an easy person to talk to. She's always had a horrible temper and we've grown apart a lot in the last six or seven years. The more I think about apologizing, the angrier I get about the whole situation because she's put me through a lot and she's never apologized to me.
Our relationship started on a downward spiral when I was 14 and she was 16 and she started dating a 21 year old, which caused a lot of stress for my family. She and my dad were fighting nonstop and it all exploded at Christmas dinner. I was so furious with both of them because I didn't understand why they couldn't get along for just ONE day. My sister ended up running away that night and I think the rest of my anger and bitterness comes from her leaving us like that. It just seemed like one of the most selfish things anyone could ever do. I understood that she and my dad weren't getting along, but to run away on Christmas and ruin everything for everyone else just seemed a little extreme.
I really do want to work everything out with her, but I feel like I want her to come to me first this time. I guess I just want to know that she cares about fixing things as much as I do and that she'll actually be willing to work on our relationship instead of just writing me off as her judgmental little sister. At the same time though, I'm not even sure how comfortable I would feel talking to her about all of these things because it would make me feel so vulnerable and I don't want to put myself in a position where I could end up being hurt more. I just don't know how to go about handling the situation and I'd like to make some progress before I go back to school at the end of August and our opportunities for working things out become practically nonexistent.
Signed,
Non-Judgmental Little Sister
Dear Judgmental Little Sister,
Sisters can make you want to pull your (or their) hair out, and transition times of life can make it worse—so first off, YAY for wanting to hang in there. That's very "Big" of you. Now let's break your coNUNdrum down into smaller pieces.
1. You said you weren't judgmental, but I think you and everyone else is, too—and that's not necessarily bad. Through the lens of how we see the world—our worldview (Christian, humanistic etc.), we observe the cause and effect of people's actions. When we make decisions for our own lives using what we observe, then we are being judgmental. If your sister is engaged in behavior you don't emulate, then she will take that as your being judgmental. And she would be right. The "trick" so to speak is to convey that you are judging the behavior for your own life based on what you believe—not that you're judging her.
2. About your fear of your sister's temper. Lots of people (sometimes called bullies) deliberately use a temper to cower others. It's effective in shutting passive (and even not-so-passive) people down. When your sister shuts you down, she has fewer issues to face.
A. Bottling up your feelings isn't the right answer. Work on expressing your feelings and opinions in a measured and calm manner —it will develop "quiet" confidence. There is almost nothing as formidable as a person who speaks with quiet confidence that stems from objective Truth. Your sister may not listen in the beginning—she may walk away, scream, accuse you of being nuts, but if you are steady in your interactions with her, chances are that you will get to a place of having a healthy relationship.
B. With that said—pick your time, place, and method carefully!
3. Your relationship with your sister has spiraled downward in stages, and it might be best to work on fixing it that way, too. The bigger issues of her having dated someone older when she was young, and the consequences to the family, are wrapped up in so much more than you can tackle. There are issues of parenting—could your father have handled it better—and other family dynamics as well. It doesn't seem like there's been enough time and space to look at those issues objectively—so on those, I'd wait—at least until you re-establish a of relationship with her.
4. Extending a hand to someone you love is not apologizing to them. And the sad truth is that we can't make others apologize to us even when we deserve it. I know you want her to come to you, but you're the one whose heart is nudging for some sort of reconciliation. Hers may be, too, but we can't know that for sure. So the question becomes: is it better to deny your own heart now in view of the bigger picture? Sometimes the right answer to that question is yes. In this case, though, I don't think it's a bad idea to extend an olive branch. Your sister may not be ready for an all-out genuine relationship, but you can forge a beginning by getting back on speaking terms.
5. The last breaking point of your relationship was over something silly—the pants. I might start the healing process in an equally silly place. Like you could leave her a note on binder paper that says in juvenile scrawl: I like you. If you like me, check the "yes" box and fill in the blank below. I'd like to meet you at _____AM/PM at _____ for gummy bears and lattes. If she has a good sense of humor, you could add that you'll be the one in a skirt—not pants. Or something equally ridiculous that might make you both laugh.
6. Above all, approach her from a place of love. Nothing touches another human being as much as love does. If you can do that (without letting self-righteousness at doing it creep in), you will, at the very least, have peace about the situation—whether you find resolution today or ten years from now. Sometimes it just takes that long.
Little Sister, we are hoping for the very best for you. Please keep us posted about how things go. I know many of us will be praying for you and your Big Sister.
The lines are now open for your astute advice and warm encouragement.
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From one passive little sister to another, stand up for yourself. Write a note, if that's the best way you communicate. BUT you MUST communicate your feelings.
ReplyDeleteThis may sound a bit judgmental on my part, but waiting for someone to come to us and apologize, make the first move, is pride. I face that monster everyday in my life. If I don't stand up and make the first move, even if it is just to say "I love you." I must do it, and so must you if you are feeling the nudge. That nudge is the Lord telling you to be the bigger person, do the right thing.
If Jesus waited for us to apologize first before going to the cross and pay for our sins, He never would have gone. End of story. But "While we were YET SINNERS, Christ died for us."
Go to her. Tell her you love her. Ask the Lord to guide conversation, and perhaps He will open doors for you to share your heart.
Sorry I had another thought. Maybe she thinks you look at her and see her mistakes, thus judging her. Does she know how her mistakes affected you personally? Does she know she broke your heart? NOT "Hey, Sis, you did wrong, you screwed up Christmas. You were selfish." BUT
ReplyDelete"Dear Sister, I love you. When you did that, it broke my heart. I felt like you didn't love me anymore and when you desire to spend time with our younger sister more than with me, I feel like you are shutting me out of your life." (Or something like that.)
Just a thought.
Good advice here from Lisa and Karlene. Praying for your sister and for your relationship with her, as well as for your own attitude and understanding, is your best action. I think for some of us who are more passive, we really worry too much over whether others like us and may sometimes even see perceived ill treatment, when none is intended. It's a good idea, too, to let bygone's be bygone's and not fret over past actions, hers or yours.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it is possible to love someone and not like her actions. Make sure you have some good friends whose feelings about you are clearly good and spend lots of time with them.
Finally, I would suggest you just leave the relationship issue in God's hands and be as loving and thoughtful toward your sister as you want her to be toward you.
Wow, I feel your pain Little Sister, and I agree with what Lisa, Karlene and Verna already said.
ReplyDeleteI also have two sisters, though I am the youngest. I can remember when they were in their 20's, and I was still a teenager, how lonely and left out of the "sister club" I felt. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that your older sister has been spending more one-on-one time with your younger sis. I understand feeling excluded, but you need to accept something that kind of sucks to hear...they are allowed to have a relationship, even in your absence. In the long run, it's a healthy thing.
I had many similar "pants" issues with my middle sister...and like you, they were typically the manifestation of everything that was bugging us. I cannot say whether you should address those things head on, or just move on; in the span of a sister relationship, both happen and it depends on the severity and our maturity at that given moment. I will say this: for every hurt she has inflicted on you, you have returned the favor, even if you are unaware of it.
Most of the sister conflicts I've had, that required apologies, went like this, "Sorry I was a _____. I love you..." "Me too." Sometimes that opened the floodgate of conversation, sometimes it just blew over.
All that being said, you should know that as you and your sisters grow older, the relationships you have could be priceless. Long after your parents are gone, you have your siblings, and that is worthy of preserving. Even if you have to eat a little crow now and then. :) When you are all in your thirties, married with kids, your friendships with them will come easier.
A few months ago, my middle sister (who I used to fight with CONSTANTLY) sent me this quote:
"My sisters are the 'we' of me..."
Good luck.
I am the baby sister. Big sisters were 10, 9 and 8 yrs older than me. (2 boys between us) I totally TREASURED every one-on-one moment with any of them when I was a teen. They prepared me for adulthood in many ways, especially marriage.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your sister remembers the stupidity of her 16 yr old ways and in a subconscious way she is trying to assure the kid sis doesn't follow those footsteps.
Lots of advice here but I'd like to add one thing. My sisters all became adults and all have totally different styles of life. Part of loving them is allowing them to be who they choose to be, whether I agree with them or not. None of us are super close to the other anymore, only seeing each other at occasional family gatherings, BUT... I'd do ANYTHING for any of them and I believe they feel the same way about me. That's sister love. Runs deep and forever.