No Doormats on the High Road

Two things before we begin. First, Mari was right when she said that we all have our everyday coNUNdrums and they aren’t going to look like anyone else's (my paraphrase). So (almost) WHATEVER’s on your mind is up for discussion. And second, but MOST importantly, if you’re a Christian, I’m going to assume that you are seeking the Lord’s advice FIRST on EVERYTHING and that you are in PRAYER about your coNUNdrum. I’m not going to add those courses of action to every answer. They are givens.  If you aren't a Christian, it would probably irritate you to hear me say it over and over again.

Now here’s another riveting letter. No sarcasm on the riveting part. 

Dear Lisa,
My husband’s niece, “Jane” and her family live about 15 miles from here. This niece lived with us for a year in high school because her mom is a drug addict.

Anyway, Jane and her husband have three children (and she's pregnant again, but she doesn't know that we know), plus they are raising her two high school brothers.

For the last couple of years--since my husband’s parents died--we have helped them out a lot with babysitting and being sort of like surrogate parents. They used to live three minutes from us but about 1 1/2 yrs ago bought a house a couple of cities away. (btw, we loaned them $11,000 to help them get into the house, which was absolutely necessary when they took in her two brothers. As of today, they have not re-paid any of the money which we totally understand because they are living paycheck to paycheck.)

When they moved away, they became very involved with a church, and it wasn't as easy for us to just pop in, so we drifted apart a bit. We did still go to birthday parties and helped a little with babysitting and took them Christmas presents--although we did not have any Christmas gathering with them.

Since Christmas they have cut us off completely. Granted, we weren't really calling them, either, but they didn't invite us to two kids' birthday parties, and didn't tell us of major events, etc. Life got busy for us, too--and overwhelming with stress with our own son and me making some life changes--job, school.

I reached out to her a few weeks ago on Facebook, explaining that we missed them and that I was sorry we hadn't been in touch, and telling her about some of the changes I was making. Then on Sunday, we saw on FB that one of her brothers was getting baptized--which was huge because he was raised a Mormon by my husband’s parents. We immediately tried calling to find out when and where, but they didn't return our phone call.

I received a message today on FB telling me she has decided that we have different perspectives on what a family should be and on family values, so good luck with my job and classes, but there was really no need to stay in contact anymore.

So...do I/we reach out to them to find out what in the world is wrong? My first thought is to just say "sorry you feel that way," kiss off the $11,000 we loaned them, and never have contact again. My husband says that isn’t Christ-like.

I have enough stress and stress-inducing people in my life. I'm reading in her response that she thinks my "excuses" of life changes weren’t good enough--that I should have stayed in contact.

Suggestions? I'll take anything from snarky to Christ-like. :)

Signed,
Tired of Taking the High Road


Dear Tired of Taking the High Road,
Aren’t we all? It’s tiresome when we follow the “Christ-like” rules, while everyone else’s behavior gets to degenerate to the self-indulgent two-year old tantrum. I’d like to have one of those myself sometime. Where I yell exactly what bungee-jumps into my head, where if a ball’s involved I grab it and stomp home. Why should I and why should you always have to worry about how the other person feels? Your niece didn’t worry about hurting your feelings when she said, “Your perspective on family values gobbles dirt.” My interpretation.


Drat this knowledge we have about the high road. It would be sooo much easier to ignore it if we were ignorant of it.


On the other hand, we don’t have to be doormats, either. You can quote me to your husband who will have the right to say, “Who the heck is she?”


Well, enough chit-chat--let’s get down to business. It doesn’t sound like you’re hung up on the money--and that’s great. Nothing like money to skew our behavior. We both know the right thing to do is reach out again. The high road begins with you understanding how it feels to be in her shoes and telling her that you can understand why she might be hurt at your having stayed away--though it was NOT a statement on the value you placed on her and her family. I’d apologize for any hurt she might have felt. I’d also mention that you’ve had “issues” with your own son, and felt the need to circle the wagons close to home to give him what he needed. I’d add that part in the body of the message--before the apology.


Now here’s the part that might get readers irate. I think it would be a good idea to mention the money. Not because you want to be catty. Not because you want to lay a guilt trip. Not because you want it back. BUT because it is an indicator of how much you value family, and some people recognize that indicator above others. You could say, “Jane, if you search your heart one minute, I’m sure you’d see how deeply we value you and your family. At crucial times in your life, we were there with our home, with babysitting, and even with ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (don’t say it like that) to help your family purchase a home--not because we wanted something in return, but ONLY because we love you and value family. To allow yourself to believe otherwise is not right because it’s not the truth.”


If she doesn’t accept this than give her time and distance--the ball is in her court (you didn’t take it and stomp home). You’ve expressed yourself in an honest and loving way--aka the stinkin’ high road. On the off chance that she was trying to sever the relationship so she didn’t have pay you back, you’ve let her know that A--it’s not about the money, and B--you know what’s what and her low-road behavior isn’t going to change that. You’re also letting her know that while you aren’t guilting her, you’re not going to allow her to guilt you. You know what you gave to the relationship and where your heart is and can rest well at night.


You have to decide whether it’s better to deliver this in writing or in person. It depends upon the people involved. If your behavior or hers could go south, do it in a letter where she can read and re-read the words with less opportunity for twisting them.


I think that does it for me. Now for the wisdom of the masses.


Peace. (literally)
Out.
Lisa