Nothing Rotten in Denmark

Dear Lisa,

Why is this generation of young adults so greedy? Oh wait, I have the answer. It's because parents like me keep buying them things.

When our oldest son turned 16 we bought a little used pick-up for him to drive. At the end of his sophomore year in college (which I mistakenly remembered as being the end of his freshman year...more to come on that later in the story), he asked if we could help him buy a car--but of course, it needed to be a really cool car. We ended up finding him an extremely cool looking (lowered, sunroof, leather seats, etc.) 7 yr old Honda Accord. We paid for the whole thing at the time and he was to start paying us back after graduation. (Incidentally, we ended up spending a lot more than anticipated because there were issues with the car that were not discovered until after the purchase. Lesson learned the hard way.)

Upon graduation, we signed the car over to him and gave it to him for his graduation present--no money owed to us.

Now comes son #2. He also drives a small pick up, although it gets lousy gas mileage. I came up with this brilliant idea that we should get him a car that gets better gas mileage, and that way my husband could have the truck to use anytime he wants. (He constantly has some project going and needs the truck for dump runs, Home Depot visits, etc. And since our son is moving away to college next month, hubbie would have lost the use of the truck.)

Son #2 isn't as thrilled with Honda Accords as son #1 was, so we looked at other options. Well, we end up finding an 8 yr old BMW (sunroof, leather seats, etc.), that was only a couple hundred more than the Honda Accord cost us 4 yrs ago. We had it checked by a mechanic, and we ended up with a very good deal through a private party. (I had looked at used Honda Accords, and they were going to cost as much as this BMW.)

Son #1 is mad that we bought son #2 a BMW--even though son #1 said he doesn't like BMWs, and he wanted an Accord. And he pointed out that he had to wait until the end of his sophomore year to get a car. Plus, he threw in that we're paying for private college for son #2 when he went to a state school. (Never mind that he chose the state school over the private colleges for himself.)

I don't want son #1 thinking we love son #2 more because of a stupid car and college. We tried to do for each kid what was right at the time. You can leave out the why-did-we-buy-our-kids-cars-in-the-first-place part--that's a huge debate/argument between my husband and me anyway.

I probably should not have written this letter because if I were reading it I would call my kids spoiled rotten brats and leave it at that. Maybe they are, but there is lots more behind all this story, too.

I guess I'm just looking for some confirmation that I'm not an awful rotten parent and that my kids won't end up on Oprah talking about their horrible mother who favored one son over the other. (Oh wait, Oprah's leaving, so that's one less thing I have to worry about.)

Dear Mother of Spoiled Rotten Brats,

I may be accused of going soft, but I can't summon up stern while you're in that sorry state of mind and heart. Even "Prisoner," (from a recent coNUNdrum) whom I pray for daily, had some fire--you, on the other hand, have fizzled to a sparkler in the rain forest.


If we go by the supposition that we are created in God's image, then it's easy to see how we (parents) get into messes like this. Just look at how much we've been given by a Generous Father--and then look at how much we've squandered, forfeited, and traded away, all because we're fallen human beings who too often fail the task of treasuring and appreciating. True, you may not have the wisdom of God or of Solomon, or even of Homer Simpson, and yet, you gave out of love--a pure parental motive.


Technically, I think my job is done as you only wanted confirmation that you weren't a rotten parent. No, you aren't rotten--misguided perhaps (and which parent isn't), but not rotten.  And if this were an Affirmation Blog, I'd feel obligated to stop here--but fortunately for me, you've written into an Advice Blog.

Beware of complacency--even without Oprah, there are nursing home days ahead, and kids are quick to joke (I think they're joking) that they are the "picker-outers" of them. In other words, it's worthwhile to straighten this out. And I don't care how old your boys are, it's not too late. The consequence of not setting them straight is tragic for them. What could be uglier than offspring scratching and biting over what you've left them as you occupy your final earthly resting spots on some grassy knoll under an elm tree?


A family conference wouldn't be a bad idea. "Sons, I would say, "we don't think you're rotten monsters--you saw us trying to be fair with what we gave you, and most likely interpreted that to mean that fairness was your due. It isn't. You aren't entitled to anything you haven't earned. Your cars and college tuitions have been a gift, that we tailored the best we could to your needs and wants. Your behavior is repugnant and makes us question whether you can handle being given extras at all. That's what we're going to be looking at in the coming months. From this moment on, though, we are NOT going to worry about your reaction to what we gave you in the past or what we MIGHT give you in the future. We know in our hearts we love you the same, and we won't let you make us feel otherwise. Our guilt stops here."


From your letter, I get the impression that your problem-solving skills are strong, and that you were probably the "mastermind" behind many of the decisions which are now causing stress between you and your husband. Maybe it's time to throw up your hands and let him take the lead. I regularly fall back and pace myself off Sam--especially when it comes to the twenty-year-old boy. It's freeing actually--and if something goes wrong--it's not all my fault:). As an added bonus, the"dividing and conquering" strategy utilized by the progeny becomes ineffective.


If you don't like any of this unsolicited advice, you could always buy each son a tract home in the same subdivision in the same development and encourage them to marry identical twins. 


I wish you the best,
Lisa


And the lines are now open...