Fan Girl Cries U.N.C.L.E.

Dear Miss Lisa,

First I want to say that I really enjoy reading the conundrums and your solutions (Maddie's as well).

My conundrum is of the silly kind; the kind that I probably could survive with for the rest of my life (but that's a scary thought). I'm recently turned 18 and am a desperately pathetic fan girl of "Illya Kuryakin" from the 1960's tv-show The Man from U.N.C.L.E. The strength of this obsession does vary, but over all I'm as insane about him as all those girls were about Orlando Bloom back when Lord of the Rings was big. The "fan-girl-ing" has been going on for over a year now, and shows no sign of stopping.

This horrifies me; I'm normally pretty calm and quiet, but show me an episode, or even a picture, and I'll be walking around for hours (if not days) sighing love sick--or sickening--sighs.

My family tolerates it pretty well; they just find it cute/funny. I, however, am rather annoyed at myself and how I handle this.... crush (I guess that's the correct term). Either I try to repress it and not let anyone know or I blab about it to whoever is around.

The actor who played Illya (David McCallum) is a year younger than my grandfather. (He also plays "Ducky" on NCIS, but that's off topic...)

What should I do to overcome this crush and/or restore whatever dignity I have? (I'm an adult! Adults don't fall this hard for a heart-throb of half a century ago!)

Yours truly,
Suffering from Illya-itis


Dear Suffering from Illya-itis,
What a heartthrob! I missed the whole Man from U.N.C.L.E, mania and now see what a travesty that was. Not every man can pull off a turtle neck sweater  in such an exceptionally suave manner.  It's a lucky thing for Mr. Mik, he didn't have to compete with that when he was wooing me. Just sayin'.

The Young Engelbert Maddie Loved

I understand how it might be embarrassing to have a crush on someone old enough to be your grandfather, but if it makes you feel any better, Maddie was absolutely wild about Engelbert Humperdinck, just belted out his songs. Then one sad day, when she was about eight, she saw an updated picture of him.


"Who's that?" she asked me.
"Why that's Engelbert, honey," I answered.
"But he's old."
"He may have aged a little from his album cover days, but he's the same singer you've always loved."
"But he's old."

The next time "Man Without Love" played on the oldies station, Maddie started to sing along, but alas, all the gusto was gone from her disillusioned little voice, never to return. I'm glad to see, Suffering, that you've been able to weather the reality of age—shows character.


As far as being an adult goes, lots of adults have crushes. I remember this time when I was in conversation with two other wives about Jimmy Stewart. Now, I don't share this with a lot of people, but I've always thought that Mr. Mik looked like Jimmy. Anyway it came out in this conversation, that the two other wives thought that their husbands looked like Jimmy Stewart, too—which was bizarre, because none of our husbands remotely resembled one another in height, build, or hair color. They were obviously mistaken in their assessments—and I told them so. We don't speak much anymore.  But my point is that it doesn't make you less of an adult to have this crush.

Okay, okay, okay--it's me, Maddie.  I feel the need to interject here.

YES, perhaps I was guilty of a little harmless ageism in my youth but is there really anybody out there blaming me? No? Didn't think so.

Also, don't let Lisa make you think that she is devoid of superficiality. Her drug of choice in the puppy love department?

Yeah, that's right Jason Statham who can be seen punching bad guys and blowing up buildings while shirtless in any garden variety of plotless action flicks. Lisa happily plops in front of any screen displaying him and can't be bothered to hide her palpitating heart rate even if JIMMY STEWART is sitting right next to her. So there.


Anyway, Suffering, it seems like in addition to dealing with your pesky siblings you are also in need of a long-term plan to get over these U.N.C.L.E. blues.  Again, I will selflessly offer a page from my own Romance History Book.

Long after my wanton heart had forgotten Engelbert, it settled firmly on the musical genius of Dave Grohl, the Foo Fighters frontman. I loved him purely and dreamed of him slaying his guitar strings for me, and only me. Being a realist, (as it seems you are as well) I understood that my odds with him were slim.


So I set my sights for the next best thing: find someone who looked like Dave Grohl and marry him.  I prayed (as my mother taught me) to find someone who could fit this bill.


Soon enough, I met Aaron Koontz, who not only looked like Dave but was such an avid fan of his that he'd had his senior high school yearbook print his name as "Aaron FooFighter Koontz".  Imagine my excitement when we exchanged Instant Messenger screen names and I found that his was: dave_grohl1983! Score!

It was like a neon sign from God that I was supposed to end up with this guy.  Don't believe me? Take a look.

And to reward my obedience to His will, God decided to throw in a little bit of Ferris Bueller in Aaron too, cuz who doesn't love a laid back, class-skipping rebel?  Take heart, Suffering. I am sure there is a look-alike wandering around out there waiting for his Fangirl.


*Ahem*  Lisa here.   Let's move on to these insensitive siblings of yours.  We have several options here.  There's the Completely Ignore Route (which is what I'm imploying with Maddie right now), but you've probably already tried that.  There's the Threaten Them With Bodily Harm Route--but you seem too refined to lower yourself to brute force.  Hmmmm. . . .I think you need to take a cue from Illya for your answer.  What would Illya do?--is the question you should be asking.  From what I remember of the Man of U.N.C.L.E. books I used to read to Spencer, I think he would find his enemy's weakest point and then EXPLOIT it.  What's MOST embarrassing to your siblings?  What would they HATE the world knowing about.  Then threaten to disclose those secrets in a most public way--this blog.  If they think you're bluffing, take one of their mini-most embarrassing moments and post it on this blog. I'm sure our readers--especially that feisy "Red," will have a field day.   Let those boorish sibllings  of yours know you  mean business!

I think that about covers it (and uncovers it) for us here at "Connecting Now"--Go ahead readers, have at it.   Bracing myself now.