Sneezeless Whistles Dixie

Lisa,
I have a conundrum of the sensitive kind. It is embarrassing to admit and if asked I will vehemently deny it. It is so hard to share. I have tears blurring my vision as I try to make my self lay my guts wide open to share with you and move on to healing.

My problem is. . . sweaty hands here. Ummm, my problem is... ah, umm. OK I'm just gonna come out and write it.


My problem is - my nose whistles. No, there is no object in my nose, it just whistles on its own and quite loudly at times. When I see people turning around trying to figure out where the whistle is coming from I turn too.

I have tried everything. I've blown my nose, sucked air into my nose, used a netty pot - which is such an intrusive thing to do. But to no avail, the whistle sings.

What, oh wise one, can I do to rid myself of this embarrassing ailment? I will forever be grateful if you can solve my conundrum.

Waiting anxiously with hankie in hand.
Sneezeless in Salem

Sneezeless— Maddie, here--Mom's got a couple of deadlines.

I’m no doctor, but all the same I think it’s safe to say that any medical/psychological advice you receive here on Connecting Now can be taken very seriously.

You mention that when people hear your whistle it causes general confusion? Perfect. This is the ideal opportunity to deflect attention from your own physical shortcomings and foster a sense of paranoid schizophrenia for all those who surround you.

The idea is that if you can make everyone around you think they are the insane ones, then your problem will be perceived as less severe/embarrassing than it really is.

Example Given:

You: * nose whistles *
Them: * looking around, brows furrowed * Did you hear something?
You: * incredulously * Uh, no. What are you talking about?
Them: Like a whistling sound…* swings head around * I could have sworn…
You: Nope, sorry, didn’t get a whistling sound over here.
Them: No, seriously, it’s like this long, whining drone that sounds like a yowling cat at a chalkboard.
You: Dude, * puts hand on Them’s shoulder and makes meaningful eye contact * I was –no joke- JUST watching an episode of Dr. Oz the other day, and he was talking about this very condition. It’s kind of a big deal. You should definitely check it out. They’re calling it: The Gateway to Mental Breakdown.
Them: Are you kidding me?! And to think of all the time I’ve wasted on crossword puzzles and sudoku in an attempt to keep my mind sharp!
You: * shakes head * I know, I know, you should have just been out sniffing Sharpies with all your fri--

AHEM! Lisa Here: We do not advocate the use of Sharpie Brand Markers  for anything but labeling clothes for summer camp.

Right, well, I think you get the picture, Sneezeless. True this  is simply a more mature version of the grade school defense mechanism: “I know you are, but what am I?” It makes no sense, but can usually make the aggressor pause in contemplation long enough for you to come up with a real plan. Sometimes the classic methods really are the best.

So you’ve tried the netty pot, eh? I don’t have anything to add on this front, I only wanted to find a segue with which to post this picture from The Office of Dwight defiling Jim's sweet, sentimental Christmas gift intended for Pam: ---->

Me, Again. One of us here at Connecting Now has actually done some research. Sneezeless, have you been to a doctor about this? Seriously. You could have a deviated septum—and don't feel bad, according to Wikipedia hardly anyone has a perfectly aligned septum. You could have issues with an adenoid. A polyp is another possibility. Has your nose ever been bumped or broken? If it has, resulting scar tissue could be the cause of your whistle. You really should get it checked out with an ENT.  A simple surgical procedure could rid you of this forever.

Moving along, Sneezless, I guess my last dose of advice would be to develop your whistle--preferably to the tune of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard soundtrack. This will make you a gimmick and Americans are always up for a good gimmick. Case and point: Whitney Houston. Perform this on any street corner in any major city and you are sure to have enough change thrown at you to last the rest of your whistling days.

Maddie's got a marvelous point there.  On YouTube you'll find a plethora of Performing Nose Whistlers. There's even a small plastic gizmo that sells for $1.50 to help those unable to produce the sound on their own. It's called the "Nose Flute"—you can purchase one Here.   Carry a few with you to pass out to strangers when they give you the look. Bring them into the fold and they'll love you forever.

But yeah, maybe you wanna think about getting this checked out like Mom said because now that I’ve been forced to think about nose whistling for the past hour it’s really starting to get on my nerves.

Luv’n’Hugs.
-Maddie

Oyvey--the lines are open.