Hi Lisa,
Here's a short cuNUNdrum for you:
How do you let someone know that you missed them at an event without the connotation of making them feel guilty for not being at the event? I just had a friend get upset at me for "judging" her for not being at church, when all I really wanted was to let her know that I care about her and missed getting a hug from her. I quickly explained that, and resolved that situation, but that doesn't help me know what to say in the future to other people. Personally, I miss church and other events often because of my health issues. I like to know that people noticed I wasn't there and take the time to check in with me to see if I'm okay, but how do I return that favor to others without the danger of possibly making them feel judged or guilty, which kind of negates the whole point of reaching out?
And hmmm, maybe that's why more people don't ask about me more often... maybe they are afraid of coming across as judging me, too. Oh help us, CuNUNdrum Queen! Nice light bulb moment!
Sincerely,
Missing But Not Judging
P.S. And while we're on the topic of cuNUNdrums, how come on blogs it always takes me no less than three or four (or more) tries of various combinations of "submit" and "preview" and "choose login" before I actually can get logged in (even though I always click "keep me logged in") and then even more before I can actually see the security letter combinations I have to type in to comment on a blog? I have NO idea—we DON'T do "technical" here at Connecting Now.
*pant, pant* That was a long run-on sentence. Yes it was!
And that was a redundant phrase. Right again!
OK, signing off now. Really. I don't believe it.
Dear Missing But Not Judging,
Have you ever thought that perhaps there hasn't been enough judgment and accountability within the church? I mean, have you seen the overall low attendance rates across the nation? The only thing growing is the number of small churches with dwindling congregations. So while you had the right instinct—letting members know you missed them, your execution might have been what we in the business call soft. There's a purpose for inquisitions, tribunals, and interrogations, and maybe it's time we take those tactics back to the pews.
It makes it look more official when there's a clipboard present during this process. If you decide to give it a whirl, please let us know how it works. We're kind of curious now.
Something tells me, however, that you aren't going to take this innovative advice. Here's a fallback. Not as exciting, but nonetheless effective, too. Be upfront with the person. Say: Hey Ashley, good to see you. And not to interrogate you or anything—see no flashlight (hold up your empty hands; offer a winsome chuckle), but I missed you last week. Hope everything was okay. This lets her know you care, but that you aren't asking for an explanation, which you shouldn't make her feel obligated to give.
As far as when you're absent from an event, the next time you see those friends/acquaintances, you can always say: I missed you all last week. Was feeling a little (fill in the blank), but am good/better now. How was it? That takes away possible awkwardness they may be experiencing about bringing it up, without framing it so there has to be an intensive conversation regarding it. Sometimes people aren't comfortable with listening about physical ailments; this lets them off the hook graciously. And maybe there are times when you don't want to talk about the specifics of your health—this allows you to gloss over it, while still acknowledging its existence. Any in-depth conversation will be because both parties wanted it. I think this is especially important when chronic conditions are involved.
But before you decide what advice to take, I'd check with your church office and see about those attendance stats. It might make the inquisition route look a smidge more appealing.
The interrogation lines are now wide open and ready to be tied up.
STONE HER!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have a question... a coNUNdrum, maybe? Why do people NEVER accuse us of judging when we ask them why they missed school or work? Hmm? But let them know we missed them at church... perhaps they are already feeling a tad guilty about missing and your noticing they were gone added to the guilt. (Just a guess...)
ReplyDeleteHowever, if this is so, any remark, regardless of your gentility and care, they will look for the snark, the judgment, etc. because they have already judged themselves. (Again, just a guess...)
From personal experience (me being the one missing), if that reaction rose up in me, it was usually the guilt already set in syndrome and you added to it unknowingly.
I've been "missed" before, and depending on the delivery, I either feel judged or truly cared about.
ReplyDelete"I was looking forward to seeing you Sunday morning. Church isn't the same with out you." (said with a sorrowful tone and downcast face, while putting a hand on your arm)
vs
"Soooo, we missed you in CHURCH Sunday...." (said with a snide tone and upraised eyebrows, with hands on hips)
See what I mean? Unless said person had a guilty conscience, as Karls pointed out. Then they'll feel judged either way, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I had to laugh at Timmy's "he-that-is-without-sin" comment!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to Mr. and Mrs. Whipper-Snapper on their 1st anniversary! :)
More congratulations to the young Whipper-Snappers.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the advice and the comments. Someone told me she had missed us atchurch several Sundays ago. I told her that was because she didn't turn around and see us a couple of rows in back of her. I didn't feel like she was being critical though...Of course, I didn't have any guilt, either.;-)
I think your assessment that there is not enough accountability is spot on. My church is small because of this reason. We are not prison guards in any sense but I'm sure many people have felt that way simply because we care enough to call them on the carpet when their integrity is in question. Despite common opinion, it absolutely is my business (and should be everyone else's) when there is a sin issue. I would expect nothing less from my spiritual brothers and sisters. Sounds harsh? You bet. Anyone who thinks being a Christian is easy is either out of practice or very inexperienced.
ReplyDeleteBefore anyone picks up the biggest rock they can find to chuck at me, I will say this. Tact, sensitivity, and love should always be at the forefront of any conversation or form of questioning. The idea is to get people to stay in church, not shove them out the door as the Bible hits their head. Ouch!
I love it when people miss me. The accountability needs to be in place, definitely. It keeps me on track. Isn't it in Hebrews that states we are not to forsake meeting together (ch 10 I believe). We are to encourage one another. Often that doesn't happen unless we meet on the church grounds as our lives take us in so many different directions throughout the week.
ReplyDeleteA pastor I love to listen to said this, "Your faith is personal, but never private." I agree. Our actions ultimately affect each other. As a body, when an organ is failing, the rest of the body moves to compensate. Cells attempt to fix it. None of us are to be loners. Calling someone to say "I miss you." Is (providing it isn't stone throwing), the most loving thing we can do for each other.