When Red Runneth Over

Good Labor Day Morning To You.

Before we begin with what may be the most ridiculous coNUNdrum to date, I want to express Sam's and my appreciation for all the messages we've received over the last few days. Some came in the form of comments on the blog, some came by private message, and some came by telephone. We are thankful for them and for you, and also for the four leads you've provided. We're praying for one in particular and will keep you updated.

Now, on to the latest letter (sent in anonymously)—which I might have thought was a hoax except for the way it began.

Dear Lisa,
First, let me say I have read your column and am impressed with your wisdom. So, I am hoping you can help me out.

Red is my favorite color. I love red walls, red sweaters, red toenails and red food. I suppose that's why tomatoes are a staple in our diet.

Although I wish not to appear too thankless, I must complain. We have noticed that red vegetables have overpowered the delicate balance of our normally beautiful garden. Red tomatoes, red peppers, red beets, red cabbage, red onions. Red! And, to make matters worse, each year about this time, we seem to have a greater abundance of red vegetables than the year before. Red is on the rampage in our yard!

I close my eyes and see red ... Sugarplum thinks I'm mad at him for planting red vegetables. I think it's simply because we eat so many red vegetables that everything is beginning to have a red tint! In fact, this morning I noticed my hair was turning red.

And, there's another problem about these tomatoes! I would like to know, how many tomatoes can two senior citizens eat in a year’s time? We eat stewed tomatoes or a tomato-based meal at least three times a week and often more. But, let’s do the figures. If there are 52 weeks in a year and we have three tomato-based meals each week, we will go through about 150 quarts of tomatoes a year. Sounds like a lot, doesn't it? This year alone we have already canned close to 200 quarts of tomatoes from vines still heavy laden with rich, red fruit. And, we’re not done yet! On my back porch are two large crates of tomatoes waiting for processing.

Please tell me what we should do. Should I increase our tomato-based meals to four or more times a week? Or, should I simply shut the door and pretend nothing but red geraniums and petunias are on my back porch?

I am in need of sound advice. There is RED cabbage waiting to be processed. And, the RED peppers need to be picked. But those RED tomatoes have become so demanding that the other vegetables are being neglected!

What should I do ... I'm despeRED?
Signed: Seeing Red

Dear Seeing Red, my Lycopene-Saturated Friend,
What are my choices here? I could find a clip from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, or send you a copy of Red Vegetables for Dummies, but I don't know. I think I'll consult with the New Girl—see what she thinks.

Hey, New Girl—
What, Mom?
I've got a couple of senior citizens who need our help.
Really?
Yup—I've sent it to your inbox. Thoughts?
 I got this covered.

Well hel-lohhh, Seeing Red.
Apparently, Old Girl got stumped and had to come to the real expert. Lucky you.

Now I'm sure your town has a farmer's market of some sort, and I'm also sure that you could use a little extra cash during these days of economic hard times. FURTHERMORE, I have no doubt that what the world needs now, is a red-headed hawker of tomatoes at these markets. Take those tomato-laden crates to the designated area immediately. They will sell like hotcakes. I mean, you'd actually be doing the world a favor. With all the processed foods in our grocery stores, grassroots America has been pushing for a more homemade/simple way of life.

YOU are the solution.
YOU are going to make Americans say: "Forget going GREEN, I wanna go RED with that good-lookin' redhead. I mean have you seen the usual ho-hum brunettes who frequent these markets? ----------------------------->
It ain't pretty.

Whoa right there, young lady--hold up one red-stinkin'  minute. You know how I feel about hats. If you're not pushing the envelope, though, you're just not happy, are you?

No.
My Turn.

 Dear Seeing Red,
I'm feeling a little rusty, after a long week, but here's my opinion.  The advice about the farmer's market was good—you definitely don't need any more tomato-based meals. I also agree with Maddie about embracing your red-headedness.  In fact, help it along if you need to, with Clairol Deep Red #44.  It's downright alluring.  Was there ever anyone who inspired more longing and desire than Charlie Brown's Little Red-Headed Girl? You'll sell out of your tomatoes in no time flat.  Then the atmosphere will be ripe for "Sugarplum" to begin sending you Valentine's again. When was the last time you received one of those?  Any stress created over all those red vegetables will disappear, and love will permeate the air.

Really, Mom?  Does it always have to be about love?

Always.

The lines are open—and it seems to be a free-for-all around here.
So whatever.

MEMBERSHIP ALERT:  As an added incentive for sending in coNUNdrums, we've decided to extend this offer: every two coNUNdrums equals one new follower, meaning if you send in six letters, you'll reach Stainless Steel membership status.  Hanne M.--that means you are two coNUNdrums away from success:)