Duking it Out: Connection Style: Labuff VS Wiley

Red=Maddie
Purple=Lisa
Black=Impartial Judge

As several of our readers have noted over the past few weeks, we at Connecting Now have been giving out Stainless Steel memberships on a rather "arbitrary" and "ridiculous" basis. *(This does not mean that readers should get lazy about getting their memberships through legitimate means, though. Just putting that out there.)*


It may seem willy-nilly to the casual onlooker. But we implore you to believe that we take our memberships very seriously and there is a rigorous process by which we decide who is and is not worthy of our helping hand.


In order to quell the masses, we have decided to give you all a little peek into our selection protocol and how these exceptions to the rules are ordained.



There are several factors:
-The candidate must do/say something extraordinary.
-The candidate must be generally likable/pleasing to us.


and most importantly:
-The candidate must prove his/her worthiness for membership in an intense debate against another candidate.


Usually, the candidate is completely unaware of his/her candidacy as each party is represented in the debate by either Lisa or Maddie in a very private hearing.


Until today.
Here, we present to you, our first public debate between readers B. Labuff (represented by Lisa) and A. Wiley (represented by Maddie). At the end of the debate, our Readers will vote to decide the winner.

As I've never formally debated, I thought it prudent to research what I was doing. Affirmatives, negatives, second parties of the first part, second parties of the negative, rebuttals—well it all becomes rather confusing. So we're (loosely) using eHow.com's:  Suggestions for Debaters:

Avoid the use of Never and Always.
Refrain from saying, "You are wrong."
Attack the idea not the person.
Avoid exaggeration.
Don't interrupt your competitor.
Do not present opinion as facts.
Smile when disagreeing.
Concede minor or trivial points.
Avoid bickering, quarreling, and wrangling.
Watch your tone of voice.

The Opening Arguments:

I, Madeline Mikitarian present this fine Readership with a call to basic human decency.


My candidate, A.Wiley, is a lovely young girl. A faithful reader of Connecting Now, A lover and a giver, and to my mind, a Stainless Steel Member.


Wiley's commentary always makes me laugh. And I have a great sense of humor. As readers of this blog, I assume that you also have senses of humors and ergo, you, yourselves find Wiley equally hilarious. Always.


In case you've forgotten, I present to you Exhibit A. Wiley's comment on our last blog, Connecting Luv:
"I would have been rushing off to get a tattoo, but sadly I'm allergic to tomatoes and it would be a short-lived (but very romantic, I'm sure) marriage ending in anaphylactic death throes....

...or something like that."


See? Supportive, open-minded, sassy, and a wild, passionate, romance ending in a dramatic death. Hmmm, what other brilliant authors imagine such things? Oh, I dunno, SHAKESPEARE, MUCH? If Shakespeare were here trying to get Stainless Steel Membership would you deny HIM? I don't think so, folks. I don't think so.

Hear Ye!  For le record, I've offered Mr. Shakespeare Stainless Steel Status on numerous occasions, but he has not respon--.

ORDER IN THE COURT!

sheesh . . .

As I was saying . . .

And Wiley's wits aren't contingent on calculated cleverness. She exudes quips like this without even trying.


Exhibit B, A typo that Wiley once made in a comment on one of Lisa's Facebook threads discussing trying out for game shows:  "I thought about trying out for Dead or No Deal..."


I want you all to put that one in your pipes and smoke it.
Dead or No Deal.


That's right. Wiley has inadvertently created the world's best game show in which you have to kill Howie to win a million dollars.


Behold, Exhibit C, a projection of that game show:


Words no longer need be said.
I give the floor to my opponent.

The Second (and might I add superb) opening arguement--for a neophyte

Ahem. I Lisa R.S.W.F.H. Mikitarian understand what a perceptive and discerning audience graces the halls of Connecting Now. I also understand that, you, Maddie, are wrong and a do-do head if you think A. Wiley is more deserving than my candidate B. LaBuff, who ALWAYS makes me laugh. I concede that A. Wiley is amusing in her way, but the fact remains that B. LaBuff is stratospherically more deserving.


Exhibit A: On October 4, 2010 at 12:54 hours, B. LaBuff wrote the following comment:


As I was reading Lisa's name and all the initials between Lisa and Mikitarian...I'm mental-ly [emphasis on the mental] was saying each of the names. :) 


Do you know how long it took me to remember all those names—and I was somewhat obligated to learn them. B. LaBuff, on the other hand, had no motive other than her love and support (and what could be purer) to commit my full name to her memory. A memory which she's admitted to me on several occasions is becoming more feeble with age. And yet, she didn't hesitate to allot gigabytes on my behalf.

Objection!  There is no conclusive evidence to support that Miss LaBuff actually memorized these names.  For all we know she could've thrown in a new one and we'd be none the wiser.
Objection Overruled!
You can't overrule anything!
I overrule that, too!

Exhibit B: You wanna talk about funny, Maddie with the big toe of unusual size? Put this in your pipe and smoke it!:  Battle-Starfish Galactic 
Objection!  Relevance???
Just trying to establish character.
Sustained.
Will you two let me do my job?


Exhibit C: This in my humble opinion which feels more like a fact, is sure to be the most persuasive piece of evidence of all in B. LaBuff's exhibition. On October 14, 2010 at 1600 hours, plus 19 minutes, she posted the following comment on our Connecting Luv blog in which our goal is to find AJ a wife:


Do your patriotic coNUNdrum duty and send in your questions. This ranks right up there with voting (sort of). Take advantage of this opportunity to learn more about the mysterious AJ. I can't help but wonder if the name/initials was/were changed to protect the innocent (AJ or Red). Perhaps all will be revealed soon.


On TOP of that, this faithful reader sent in a BOATLOAD of questions for Red which we'll compile for Red to answer, and then post on Monday. That's right, Miss Sassy Pants, B. LaBuff has done the lion's share of the work for both the readers AND us. Here's a taste of the kinds of questions she sent in:


If you had your wedding dinner catered, which of these fine establishments would you choose to cater it and why?
A. Pizza Hut
B. McDonald's
C. Burger King
D. White Castle
E. Taco Bell


Then last but not least, Exhibit D. On some date in the recent past which I'm too lazy to look up, B. LaBuff asked me the following:


Lisa, have you ever thought of being Li-Mik (kind of a J-Lo type thing? :)


Now how great is that? I rest my case with the same sweet smile and tone I've used throughout these proceedings.  I may not have the ability to create fancy shmancy graphics like my colleague, but I trust I've demolished her nontheless.

Might I remind the jury that Miss LaBuff had the audacity to ASK for Stainless Steel Status.  We all know what happened in the Bible to those who asked for coveted positions.  Rebuketion!

No!  You may not remind the Jury--that information was sealed!

Silence!  The Jury is now injoined (I believe that's the right word) to vote who gets Stainless Steel Membership and who will skulk away disappointed:  A. Wiley or Beauty LaBuff. 
Hey!
Sorry.  A. Wiley or B. LaBuff--publicly or anonymously--their fate is in your hands.

All in Goodwill,
Maddie and Lisa