Let Go, Red

Well, my dearies, by now you may be tiring of me, but I thought I'd give this another shot. I've been silent recently due to my honeybun's insistance that tomatoes rule my life. The vines are still in the garden with red beauties dangling from the drying stems.

But, this isn't about tomatoes. It's about our son who is now in his 30's (a wonderfully eligible bachelor, if anyone's looking)! Let's call him AJ so he doesn't get embarrassed if he should happen upon your advice column.

AJ has a very tender heart yet he's been struggling with a relationship with God for quite some time. It's odd because AJ will defend the Word with every ounce of manly strength in him but he sometimes has a hard time with life in general. Being a tender heart, it's almost understandable. This precious son of ours has been on the mountaintop and fallen to the lowest level of pit-life there is, back and forth more than once. He knows the answer is total surrender, yet his flesh fights against him, just as it does us all.


To get down to the nitty gritty, I'd like to know how a mother my age can influence her son to make that final step of commitment to the Lord. You see, I wonder if he really lacks commitment because of something he told me just a few hours ago. He came into my room. The conversation went like this:

"Mom, I can't stand it when people use God's name in vain!"

"Really, AJ? What's going on?"

"I'm in a chat room playing a game and this guy got upset and used 'GD' and that made me mad. I told him and everyone in the room that that kind of language was unacceptable!"

"You did, AJ? Wow! I'm very surprised you're so adamant about that!"

"It's what you taught us, Mom. And, it makes me mad when people talk about God that way. I can handle a lot and even lots of nasty words, but when they come up with GD or anything about God, I can't just sit there. I won't have it!"

As you can see, this made me really wonder what's in my son's heart. Surely there is not a void of God-consciousness in there like I thought.

Should I be ashamed because I assumed he wasn't where I thought he should be in his relationship with God? Or, what would you think? I'm very proud of him. But, also, I hate for him to take such a strong stand on one hand and yet exhibit undesirable behavior on another.

I've tried feeding him more tomatoes. Seems he's like his dad ... poor thing can't get enough. But, of course, I doubt that has anything to do with the struggle I'm feeling within right now. I'd hate to think I cut him short by thinking he was far from God when, in fact, there is a relationship on a level I'm just not quite understanding.

Anyway, I appreciate your advice, ladies. I try to take as much of it as possible. When you suggested the tomato sling, I had quite a mess in the front yard. Well, that is until the sheriff stopped by ...
Red

Dear Red,
How could we get tired of you???  You add your special brand of "flare" to our blog that we've missed.  Welcome back. 


Why is it that some of our boys tug on our heart strings this way? Maddie is sure I've psychologically maimed her by showing favoritism for our boy child. I should have hidden it better. No, I'm only kidding, but who can blame us for wanting our sons to mature into godly men?

Here are some things, however,  to consider in that desire:


1. A BIG One: that final step you want to help him with—that total submission of his will to the will of God—that's your son's (and only your son's) step to take. You've given him the foundation; you've given him the tools; but it's up to him to start building the house. If you try to do it for him, he'll have no ownership, and it will fall. 

2. Maybe you have underestimated his depth of faith. I'd talk to him about it. Chances are that he's felt your disapproval, frustration, and anxiety. Be honest.  Tell him you felt convicted for underestimating him, and that his defense of his Lord filled your mother's heart with relief. That's Part One of the conversation, and he'll appreciate it.


3. In Part Two (which can be together or separate from part one—use your instinct) tell him why you worry about him. Defending God's Holy Name is excellent, but defense is only one part of faith; there has to be an offense so to speak, a moving forward, a growth—the Fruit of the Spirit. Tell him it's difficult to judge some of that in another person. Ask him how he sees himself moving forward—you might learn something new, and he might realize something new. Share with him the attitudes/behaviors of his that cause you anxiety.


4. Red, I ask you this next question in total love. Is your thirty-something "baby" bird still in your tomato-laden nest? Are you still folding his laundry into neat little piles and preparing him nutritious meals? Does any of your behavior convey to him that you don't believe he can make it on his own? That he needs his mama to survive both physically and spiritually? I'd scrutinize the things you say and do for him VERY carefully.

5. I can't help but wonder where HoneyBun fits into all of this—if there are opinions or guidance of your husband's that you've been reluctant to listen to. Women can be obstinate. Don't let Sam know I admitted to that in public.


6.  The very sad reality is that some children will never get it together. Some will struggle with addictions, the inability to maintain relationships, finances, etc., all the days of their lives on earth. And as parents, we have to watch some of it while holding ourselves back from trying to fix things that we have no business trying to fix—mainly because we can't!


But, Dear Spicy Red, if we take the long, ETERNAL view, and we have a child who corrupts and confounds everything good which lands in his hands, YET he loves and has accepted Jesus Christ, then we KNOW that someday God will indeed finish forming our child to His likeness. We have His Word on this.

It's time to let go of the doubt.
With Love,
Lisa

Red,
I think that a lot of human contention stems from the inability to truly determine the sincerity of another man's heart. It's a beautiful and terrible feature of our senses that we are only able to pick up on the external fruits of other people's spirits.

The bottom line: No matter how many incongruities you see in AJ's actions vs. his claimed faith, only God knows what is actually happening in his heart.


Since the one thing that you KNOW for SURE is that AJ verbally acknowledges that he loves God, you have to put your (admittedly, probably dead on) Mother's Intuition aside and show your son that you respect him enough to believe the words that he tells you, and that you regard him as a brother in Christ.


Whenever you talk to him about faith, do it in a tone that says "I'm excited to share this with you since we have a common bond in the Father!" not: "If you REALLY loved God, you'd think this, like I do."


I don't know if there will be echelons in heaven or if when we get there we'll all just lose our senses of pride and self-entitlement and just won't be angry about the Prodigal Sons skating through the pearly gates just before they slam shut. The only thing I know is that I am limited in my humanness and it is not mine to judge another man's heart. And as obvious as the hypocrisies can seem to me, when someone tells me they love the Lord, I have to respect that because I have no authority here. 

Ideally, AJ will grow deeper in the Lord and shed bad habits out of love for Him. But to echo Mom's thoughts, it is between him and his Maker—you've done everything you can to foster the relationship, now it's up to AJ.
XOXO,
Maddie

And Maddie

The lines are open for Readers' wisdom.  Bring it on.

Note to Beth:  We're pondering your request for Stainless-Steel Membership, but it's not looking good.
Note to Mari:  Do you know why the paragraph spacing is so erratic?