My musician husband *Mark* asked me to pick up a capo for him the other day. (That's the thing you put on guitar frets to change the key-or something, in case you didn't know). I told him he needed to get his own, because I didn't know exactly what he wanted. He insisted it was an easy thing, and to just ask for a clamp-on capo. Simple.
My sister and brother-in-law were visiting, and *Mark* and my brother-in-law had something else to do while we shopped, so he thought it would be convenient for me to do this for him. Yeah, right.
Well, I did *exactly* what he said, and that's when the questions started. Was it for an electric or acoustic guitar? (He has both.) Did I want an expensive one or a moderately priced one...you get the idea. I called *Mark* on the phone and let the salesperson talk to him. Eventually I bought one, but when gave I gave it to *Mark*...wait for it.....it wasn't the right one. Sigh...
The coNUNdrum: Do you make these wilderness purchases for your spouse, or do you insist they do it themselves, mildly irritating them in the process?
Sign me,
Fretting Over It
Dear Fretting Over It,
Fantastic term: Wilderness Purchase
May I add it to my personal lexicon? I noted something else about your letter—that you made your coNUNdrum spousal generic—which was extremely non-inflammatory of you. I'll endeavor to maintain this neutrality between the sexes.
Before I answer your question, though, I'd like to differentiate between a "Wilderness Purchase" and a "Grocery Store Purchase"—they are NOT the same animal and should not be treated as such. A Wilderness Purchase is one in which the projected purchase is a specialty item with an exponentially unlimited number of variations about which the purchasing spouse is more or less clueless. This does not include buying a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, or a 100 calorie Yoplait Key Lime Pie Yogurt. Yes, there may be a humongous variety of yogurts, but if your last name ends in the letters, I-A-N (as in, oh-I don't-know, Mikitarian?) then your Armenian ancestors practically invented the concoction. Not only that, but when your wife—I mean, your spouse directs you to the easy-to-find location (back of the store—dairy aisle), you can't get all wide-eyed and shoulder shrugging on her. That's a Grocery Store Purchase and YES, you are obligated to bring back the yogurt. The RIGHT yogurt—not the Great Value brand strawberry flavored one with 240 calories. That is NOT acceptable.
On the other hand, neither is it acceptable to send one spouse to a knitting shop to purchase needles. Too many variables—ergo, Wilderness Purchase. To help train our spouses, I've devised a quiz. The answer key is at the end. Mark each item with WP (that's not Women's Pastor in this case, but Wilderness Purchase) or GSP. Helpful Note: not all Grocery Store Purchases are actually purchases, nor do they all take place at the grocery store.
Spousal Training Quiz
1._____"Could you tank up the car, sweetheart?"
2._____"Can you pick Andy up from the Stevenson's? Yes, you know who they are."
3._____"We're out of dishwashing detergent."
4._____"Something's up with the carburetor—looks like we need an oil filter."
5._____"The dry cleaning's ready to be picked up."
6._____"This undergarment isn't fitting right. Could you run to town . . . "
7._____"Can you pick up a capo for me while you're out shopping with your sister?"
8._____"The Asian store next to your office is having a sale on wasabi."
9._____"Could you go on-line and purchase Redskins tickets for me and a couple of buddies?'
Extra Credit:
10._____razors for legs
11._____razors for faces
12._____chick flick
13._____action movie
14._____every purchase request a female spouse makes
15._____every purchase request a male spouse makes
Answers: WP—#4, #7, #9, #11, #13, #15 Everything else is a Grocery Store Purchase
In conclusion, Fretting Over It—NO spouse should feel obligated to make Wilderness Purchases, but they should feel obligated to make Grocery Store Purchases. This quiz may be copied and attached to the fridge for quick reference.
I think #6 is definitely a Wilderness Purchase. I can't even buy that stuff for myself and find the right thing. Just saying...
ReplyDeleteI so sympathize. I have it even worse because in my erly adult years my dad was also my boss and he's especially fond of sending his daughter/receptionists on Wilderness Purchases that are contruction related.
"Amy, call and order tile."
"Oh, they have it on file."
So I call and they say, "I have four tiles on file. Do you wan shiney finish, or matte? Do you want the 2x2 or the 4x4?"
Then there are the other kinds of calls that aren't WP but I find almost as annoying and certainly more perplexing. He spends 30 minutes explaining in detail who I should call and what I should tell them. The actual call takes 5 minutes. So...why didn't he save the money he had to pay and the time spent for the 30 minutes I sat listening and taking notes when he could have just made a five minute phone call himself??
I don't think I see the conundrum here. I am sure he has had to run into a crowded store and pick up some feminine hygiene product or panyhose and not know a thing about wings or a control top. Those are things you do. When you start drawing lines in a marriage the conundrums really begin. Lines are not a good thing. When love stops beating it becomes a line, a flatline that devides everything. Did I enjoy having to buy these items, no. But it sure was better than buying my own thingies by myself now. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I hadn't thought about it, but I suppose WPs span all sorts of relationships. Sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteBill--you make a good point:(
I got 1 out 15. However it was in the first 9, so since the other 6 were just bonus marks, my actual percentage is much higher.
ReplyDeleteAnd, interestingly enough, the one I got correct was #2...and I don't even know the Stevensons.
Posted on the fridge as we speak.
Lol, surprised you could read my comment. I would have done good to read it again before posting, since it's full of typos and at least one line missing altogether.
ReplyDeleteOl' Red here, just dropping in to share a piece of advice since apparently marital longevity was NOT based on Wilderness Purchases versus Grocery Store Purchases. Oh, my poor Honeybun! He's tried his best to guess what I mean when I send him on an errand but it's hard to read Red's mind. Just because I forget a detail here or there shouldn't give him an excuse for buying the wrong thing, should it? After all these years he should recognize the color of a bottle or the label on the bread or the brand name of the cereal. Right?
ReplyDeleteNow, buying a capo is a tad different. After all, they're not all the same and they're always making new and better kinds. By the time you wear out (or lose) your favorite one, it has become obsolete and the new fangled ones confuse the non-professional.
But, back to the issue at hand. Rather than deciding on which items a spouse should expect his/her better half to be able to purchase without trouble, let's consider looking at it a little differently.
First, never expect your spouse to get it right when you send him/her on a mission. That way, if they DO get the right item, you can lavish your praise on them which encourages them to want to help more!
Second, be gracious even if your spouse brings home the wrong item. Smile and thank him/her (am I doing okay on the gender thing?) and brag on their creative imagination. Even if it's wings and you wanted no wings, fly with it! The fact is your beloved cared enough about your dilemma to embarrass himself FOR YOU! If you wanted blueberry cheesecake yogurt and he brought you a blueberry cheesecake fresh from the bakery, don't worry about the extra pounds ... there will be more of you for him/her to love!
So, there you have it! It's not whether or not your spouse has you figured out. It's all about making him or her feel like the most important and incredible person in the world. You can serve your spouse a big piece of blueberry cheesecake while they're watching the football game or the soap opera is on and get what you really needed, and bring home a flower or a special little something just to reassure your love and approval of their attempt to please you.
Marriage is for keeps ... you'll love the "keeps" part when the focus is off you and on serving your spouse with a joyful heart!
Loveya!
Ol' Red
When I send my husband to the store for a purchase, I either write down the exact brand, style model, and flavor, or I send an empty box with him. And I don't complain (much) when he comes home with the wrong thing, or he'll make me go out next time. :\
ReplyDeleteOh, and I aced the quiz.
My husband is the proud owner of a capo.. I think he purchased it himself. :)
ReplyDeleteThis conNUNdrum brought back memories with a slight variation. I was sent to town for an automotive part. The item was clearly and exactly specified in writing by my DH. :) I took the paper to the parts store, and of course, the guys working there "knew" I had no idea what I "really" wanted, so they insisted I take home something that was NOT written on the paper. "Resistance was futile." I tried.
Well, I had to make a second trip to return what they sent me home with, and to get the item I wanted in the first place. If memory serves me correctly, it also took a phone call from Tilman before they'd sell me what he wanted.
Here's hoping "Fretting over it" doesn't become unstrung!
I took care of this when I first got married. I acted shy, embarrassed, afraid of my own shadow, and wouldn't open my mouth in public. (If anyone comments, I'll put you in a book and let the aliens eat you...)
ReplyDeleteANYWAY...it worked! :) Even after 30 years, he'll turn to me and say, "Would you mind going to the store and ..." I just look at him and he waves me off with "Never mind. I'll do it myself."
The thing is to train them young, when you're first married. If you wait until you've been married a year or two, you're sunk.
Hanne, that didn't work for me as a kid. I seriously was incredibly shy... ask anyone (I come by this naturally, since many of my relatives on my mom's side were the same way). Didn't stop me from being pushed to the counter at Wendy's and made to talk to people. A word to the wise: forcing a shy child to talk to people does not help her overcome her shyness. It actually makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteAbout WP versus GSP and appropriate versus inappropriate purchase requests... "back of the store—dairy aisle; Yoplait Key Lime Pie Yogurt" and Beth's auto parts request are specific and comprehensive and, so, (except for the foolishness of salespeople) acheivable. Requests to get a guitar capo or unmentionable are vague and, therefore, unacheivable.
Besides having sufficient information, the other factor in whether a request is reasonable is whether request-maker is assuming the other person has more free time available (when this may not actually be the case).
My mom tells this story of how the framers phoned her up and demanded she pick up a particular kind of nail for them and bring them right out, or else they would walk off the job. She dropped everything she was working on (besides doing all the bookkeeping, some of the finish work, and keeping house, she homeschooled us) and went to get them nails. When she got out to the job site, they had left for lunch!
The difference between WP and GSP is one of POV. And noy just based on whether you're male or female, but who *you* are. Not everyone even knows what wasabi is, much less the varied forms it comes in and why you'd want one over the other.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm with Red on this one, anyway.