Hey Lisa and Maddie,
I am currently in a position of leadership at my college. I basically deal with spiritual formation for my dorm floor and a part of campus ministries. My roomate, who has been a friend of mine since I started school here, came back this fall completely different. She had joined a dating site online, and decided that she was going spend a weekend with a guy she met there, and this is when everything began.
Because I go to a Christian college, there are stricter rules, especially pertaining to our lifestyles. So, she went and saw this guy, and ended up sleeping with him. I did not report her, but someone else did. She got into trouble, but then went and saw him again the next weekend.
She came back, and told me that she had alcohol in her car because he left it there. I made a poor decision not just as a leader on campus, but as a friend as well, and I did not tell anyone. I figured that she was already in trouble, so maybe they could talk to her.
Well, one night, she had a "mental break", left campus with one of our friends, and then decided she was going to go back to this guy's house and live with him. Our friend called me and asked me to pick her up. When I got her she immediately told me that my roomate had been drinking and driving. Of course, I had to report this. She came back to campus, and received more punishment.
Now she has denounced God and has mood swings that are awful. She can change moods/personalities in a matter of seconds. She can go from angry and aggressive, to acting like a small child or really goofy. A lot of girls on my floor come to my room to talk, which is why I am here, but my roomate has come in on several occasions in anger, and it has scared them. I don't want to abandon her by telling her to move out but I don't know what else to do. She needs help, but we cannot force her.
Signed,
Worried Roomie.
Dear Roomie,
Wow, this is a really tricky situation. It can be hard to tell when it is, and isn't right to blow the whistle on anyone, let alone a good friend and roommate.
But from the sounds of everything you've said, it is definitely time to get yourself some help.
I have a dear friend, Nina, who was an RA during her college years, and now works as a counselor for college students in crisis, and we asked her for her thoughts on this coNUNdrum.
" I definitely think that you should not be taking on all the responsibility, there is something significant going on with your roommate.
My RA experience leads me to say that altering the rules for this roommate once was ok. Now either the roommate is taking advantage of it, or she needs a consequence or professional support.
There seems to be a pattern of concerns in the behaviors your roommate is exhibiting. One poor choice is one poor choice, this series of unusual and unhealthy choices, though are a pattern of concern.
My clinical experience leads me to be concerned about the mood changes that this roommate is demonstrating. Any time someone’s behaviors changes significantly and they are engaging in such negative behaviors, I am concerned. This is a time in this roommates life where she may be undergoing some normal developmental changes (experimenting with various "forbidden" behaviors) or this could indicate something more serious, Many mental health issues peak during the early college-age years. I would hope that you would continue showing support for your roommate, while bringing in the 'reinforcements' that are needed."
You've done a lot for this friend, Roomie, but I think she's definitely gotten bigger than you can handle. She isn't simply making bad choices which will only effect herself, but she's actually putting other people in danger--whether it be physically (drinking and driving), or emotionally (making the other girls in your dorm afraid to come over).
It's important to realize that although you have a lot of love for your roommate, you don't have the authority or experience to be able to handle her issues or to be responsible for her faith.
Like Nina said, your roommate will need your continued love and support throughout this. How much better will you be able to love her if you are not burdened with policing her every move and living in constant worry that the person you live with could snap? Don't think of talking with your supervisor as abandoning her--think of it as doing what is absolutely right for everyone involved. There may be fall out--she may wind up hating you in the short term, because sometimes the right decision is hard to accept. Keep praying and keep reminding yourself to take the long view--it will help you follow through.
But props to you, Roomie for being a true friend and being so invested in your fellow man. It would be easy to label her as lost and just want to get your distance to save your own skin, but you seem to have a heart full of love and that is truly admirable.
Al l right Readers, this is a big one, and I'm sure you all have lots of poignant thoughts to share, so get to it!
XOXO
Maddie
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Back in college i had a roommate who threatened to kill herself if her boyfriend left her. It was terrifying, but as I recall we didn't do anything about it because she'd been drinking heavily at the time and I believe passed out pretty soon after becoming hysterical. If it had been repeated, we suitemates had decided to get her to the health center pronto.
ReplyDeleteA repeated pattern of erratic behavior is for hte pros to handle. Your advice is sound!
Maddie, your advice is right on. This is now a bigger issue than rebellious behavior. Many mental health issues (bi-polar disorder for one) come to the forefront in the early adult years. Definitely need to bring the reinforcements in on this one, Roomie.
ReplyDeleteWhat they said.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Hanne. As soon as I read about the mood swings Bi-Polar came to mind. When I was in college, I had a shift supervisor in the cafeteria where I worked.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while he disappeared and we later learned from his girlfriend that he was diagnosed as Manic Depressive (which is now called Bi-polar).
His symptoms were much like what you are describing here.
Roomie...While I agree you shouldn't deal with this on your own, I am concerned about labeling someone as bi-polar.
ReplyDeleteMy kids attend/attended a Christian college and experienced/witnessed more problems with worldly temptations then they did in the public school system. Often young adults want to stretch their wings and bite that forbidden fruit. Perhaps your roommate is testing the wild side and bit more than she can handle. Her mood swings and behavior don't mean she is suffering from a mental illness. She could be suffering from extreme guilt; depression being a side effect.
This is a spiritual matter more than a mental illness issue. If she were my roommate, not only would I alert the next step up of authority at school, but I'd be anointing her bed with oil and praying a hedge of protection around her.
A soul is in the balance. Talk less, pray more.
Sounds like the "roommate" is doing more than just alcohol.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of the Amish in a way. The children live a very restrictive life until they reach a certain age (usually around 16) and then they're encouraged to "taste" the world with the hopes that they'll see that the Amish way of life is what they want.
ReplyDeleteI realize your roommate isn't Amish, but the principle is similar. Once you taste of the worldly stuff, it's hard to go back and live within the strict boundaries that once defined your life.
Your roommate has now tasted of the world. She's very conflicted in her heart. She's laden with guilt and shame for her sinful choices, and she's very much aware that it's sin. Now, her friends are "judging" her (in her eyes) and she no longer holds dear those things that were common among you all.
This is a sin problem. While mental health is always a concern, I really believe that since her change in attitudes and behavior began when she decided to step outside the boundaries and taste the forbidden fruit, once she finds forgiveness from the Father and is able to forgive herself, she will be that sweet friend you previously enjoyed.
The Bible speaks specifically about how to handle those who have made the choice to deny the laws of God and feed the lusts of the flesh. I know that sounds harsh, but it's what the Word calls it.
I agree with Mari in that there is a soul in the balance. Prayer and sound spiritual counsel are what will help her through. A lot of love without compromising your own values is in order, and that takes maturity and commitment. Praying God will give you the courage to be and to do as He wills while He draws your friend to repentance.
These are thoughtful responses and gives Roomie some things to think about--although, whether it's a mental health issue or a sin issue in this particular case, the bottom line is that Roomie needs the help/support of those higher up the chain.
ReplyDeleteSo very definitely true, Lisa. Will be praying for both roommies and all others involved. Discernment is needed, direction, and an openness of the roommate to speak with someone about whatever it is that is troubling her. She needs to feel she can trust and be open regardless of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm chiming in late here, but I definitely agree that the young lady needs to see a wise counsellor who can sort out how much of this is a sin/guilt/addiction problem and how much might be a mental disease. Time to get her an appointment with a professional and see that she keeps it.
ReplyDeleteRoomie, I would express your concern to her that there's something wrong, it's beyond your training to know what it is, and you want her to see someone with more experience (than you have) because you don't think she's very happy with the direction her life is headed right now (phrase this as an issue for her, a concern you have for her well-being... which is perfectly true).
You think maybe some things are out of her control, and you know someone you think can help. Sounds nice, doesn't it? (don't leave the question open-ended or unanswered; seek her agreement to attend the appointment, but phrase it so the easy/expected answer is to agree to go)
Make sure you have lined up a really good professional who is qualified both to diagnose and treat "mental" disease (most of which is actually a physical disease like any other disease), and to counsel her Scripturally. That way she can be treated for whichever problem, or both if she has both problems.