Every week I go to praise team practice with my daughter and son-in-law, so that I can play with my grandson, Noah, while they're there. My daughter's a working mom, and she likes to have Noah there so that she can see him when she's not needed on stage. We've been doing this for all of Noah's eight months, and it works really well for everyone.
The last few weeks, another mom has brought her daughter, a little girl of 6 or 7. Tate is a very naughty little girl. She plays too hard with Noah, trashes the nursery, yells loudly and disrupts practice, and doesn't obey anyone. This mom is a lead singer, so she's 'on' for the whole practice--she pretty much lets Tate run wild.
Normally, I wouldn't bother you with a dilemma with such an obvious solution: I'd just go to the worship leader and say something like "Could you have Tate's mother bring a babysitter to watch Tate? I'm really only here to watch Noah, and he really needs my full attention." Or I'd just talk to Tate's mother. Something like that.
But it's not that easy (it never is, is it?) Here are the other circumstances that make the solution above less than ideal:
1. This is not my church. I don't know any of the people there at all (except for my daughter and son-in-law), and the idea of confronting someone who's pretty much a stranger makes me break out in hives.
2. The worship team is already a fairly contentious group, from my observation, with guess who--Tate's mama--at the center of most of the contention. I really don't want this woman mad at me. She's mean. And I don't want her mad at my daughter and son-in-law, either.
So...do I just stay home with Noah on praise team nights, giving my daughter less time with him? Or do I send my son-in-law to talk to the music leader or Tate's mother, knowing that it would make an already testy situation worse? Or do I just continue to be there for both Noah and Tate, sort of the de facto child care worker for praise team nights?
Or is there another brilliant solution that I haven't thought of?
I await your wisdom.
In a Tate of Confusion
Dear In a Tate of Confusion,
We are all about brilliance here--unfortunately, we can't in good conscience recommend the BEST plan which would include slipping her some Benadryl. That's only appropriate when dealing with our own children.
You're in a tight/tate spot, for sure. You're there to help your daughter and enjoy your grandchild, not take on the Tate of Madness swirling around the seven-year-old. I think you would agree, though, that when an opportunity for positively influencing another child (no matter how obnoxious she is) comes along, we should take it. I'm assuming then in this given situation having an impact (without using the back of your hand) is NOT possible—that you've tried befriending her, bringing her chocolate, showing her how to play with Noah, and gently making suggestions like: let's not hurl the Weebles at the zebras climbing into the ark.
If that's the case, here's our advice. Take two to four weeks off from attending the rehearsals. Stay home with baby Noah and enjoy him to your heart's content. Mama will miss him, but hopefully it will only be temporary. Let Tate's Mama deal with the full brunt of her daughter's behavior. Let Tate's mama clean up the nursery, and anything else produced by the undisciplined child. Perhaps another member of the group will even say something to her.
A few weeks of you not being there should clue them in that they have to find their own solution for Tate Care. Ask your daughter to monitor the situation. If all goes well, you should be able to return. If there were any old patterns of interaction between you and Tate, try to establish completely new ones. Don't return with a weary and negative attitude. Give the little imp the benefit of the doubt. Maybe even speak words into her that she can rise to.
You may want to think about randomly staying at home now and then so nobody gets used to you being there again. Keep them on their toes. Put THEM in a Tate of Confusion.
Let us know what happens—we're in a Tate of Hope.
I think it's wonderful that gramma is providing care for her grandson. If she's also providing care for Tate, perhaps she should gently ask for some remuneration for the service? ;) Or bring a stout rope with her when she returns, just hte right length for tying little girls to a heavy piece of furniture?
ReplyDeleteYes, there's a reason I'm not an advice columnist.
I actually LOVE the idea of her asking for some pay - don't think it would be very well-received, Tiff, but WELL then ;)
ReplyDeleteLisa - I know I don't comment much here, but I do read. I think you're right on track on this one. Curious what others will say.
I'm with you Joanne ... Lisa is right on here. Take a few weeks off and enjoy your grandson to the fullest. This will send an unmistakable message to Tate's mommy. If it doesn't, it will certainly keep the practice time in such an upheaval that she'll be forced to do something--sadly, at the expense of the entire praise team.
ReplyDeleteI've been in situations like this before and there's nothing more annoying than trying to learn new music and take advantage of some precious time of worship without the "audience" while having a wild child climbing the walls, screaming, and demanding mommy's attention. I'd say it won't be long until little Tate is either properly disciplined or left at home with a babysitter.
I feel for you ... but it's not an impossible situation. I'm in a "Tate of Hope"! :)
*groan* Nothing I dislike in church life more than conflict in the worship team. People don't realize how crucial this portion of Sunday worship service. Unfortunately, the enemy does know and digs at those involved. The "all about me" attitude is far too common among musicians in the church. (ok, rant it over.)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of being sporadic in your attendance. I also might suggest when you're there, don't stay in the nursery. Take a few toys and sit someplace else, maybe even listening to worship practice if little Noah isn't noisy. Removing yourself from the convenience of Tatecare is a subtle non-confrontational hint. If you feel the need to leave the building for a coffee run or something, have your daughter text you when she is on a break.
My daughter, a single mom, had to take her boys aged 2 & 4 to worship practice unexpectedly one time and came up with the brilliant idea of "fencing" them in. She grabbed nap mats from the nursery and created a large circle in the front of the sanctuary and told her boys under NO circumstance were they allowed to leave the circle. If a toy went out of bounds...tough luck. She posted a picture on FB. Here's the link (if it works.)
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1620307755425&set=a.1305897135356.46463.1468353435
Eventually, if things don't improve, something will need to be said to whoever is in charge. But until then, if all else fails, I have two words: Duct Tate.
☆ Mari
I agree with the wise advice from our fearless leader. It doesn't look like the baby's mom gets much opportunity to be with her baby if she's practicing, and I can't imagine she wants the little wild girl hurting her child.I'm for Grandmother statying home or taking the baby for a walk...without Tate.
ReplyDeleteNo advice -- but wishing "In a Tate of Confusion" best wishes concerning the Tate-R Tot..
ReplyDeleteBefore I had children of my own, I always hated it when people said, "He/she is behaving that way because he's/she's bored." The very idea of using BOREDOM as an excuse for bad behavior!
ReplyDeleteBut now that I have a sweet, smart, fun, but occasionally (okay, MORE than occasionally) challenging seven-year-old, I have to say... Tate sounds bored. Not that it's an excuse, but it might be at least an explanation.
I always said I'd never give parenting advice, but here's my suggestion... and yes, it will involve someone communicating with the mother.
I'd say, don't give up on Tate yet. Her mother wants to participate in the practice. She probably doesn't have the option of leaving Tate at home (because if she could, I'm sure she would!).
Tate shouldn't be in the sanctuary during the practice--and neither, probably, should Noah. Alas, the day is coming, all too soon, when little Noah will not be a sweet, quiet bundle who willingly stays in one place.
I don't know the layout of the church. From what you said, I'm guessing the nursery is near the sanctuary. I would say, take BOTH children off to another room--preferably one without much "stuff." Maybe one of those rooms with just a few chairs in a circle, and not a lot of things that can be pulled off the shelves, etc.
Then... (and this is the crucial part): Please talk to the mother, gently and kindly, about bringing Tate something to keep her occupied. She has things she plays with at home, no doubt. Her mother should bring some things along, maybe things that are "special," just for practice nights.
And here's what works for me, usually: if I have to leave my son with someone else, he gets an ultimatum. Either I get a good report from X, or else he doesn't get to do Y (something he really enjoys). You have to report whether or not Kate was good; her mother has to enforce. That gives Kate an incentive to behave, and also a mild threat for you to use. But it should work, especially if the mother is willing to follow through when Kate acts up.
Hope this is helpful!
Carol S.
I have no idea, however what Mari said sounds like something our former little church would do. My girlfriend was on keyboard. It wasn't her son she missed, but her husband. So that the two could see each other, they brought their little tot along. Hubby played with him and kept him occupied. He even got little Paul involved in the singing if they knew the songs.
ReplyDeleteOne benefit of this is that it trains the child from a young age to respect and honor the worship, including the rehearsing of it. Another is that it keeps the child involved in Mom's activities even though she isn't readily available.
I would also be intensely uncomfortable confronting Tate's mom, not knowing her or any other member or a church not my own. If she has not asked you if you mind watching her child, she shouldn't be dropping her off with you. She doesn't know you either.
Will be praying for God's wisdom in this situ-Tate-tion.
This is why hunting in churches should be legal.
ReplyDelete