Dear Mik Chiks,
I'm stuck between a job and a hard place--namely my mother's iron will.
I have a job I love. I work with children who have learning disabilities like dyslexia and dysgraphia and comprehension struggles. It's one-on-one instruction and gives these kids tools to be independent in learning environments. I am incredibly blessed to have this job. I got it as I was graduating college with a literature degree and had no idea what I wanted to do to make money. I never considered traditional teaching, but this environment has really brought out the teacher in me. I have learned so much and still being trained on aspects of our program - an important element since I am a chronic learner.
The one downside to this dream job is that it is not consistent 40-hour-a-week work. We work on hourly wage when there are students to work with. No student = no hour = teeny-tiny paycheck. My boss has bent over backwards to provide us with hours of stuff around the office. I write the company blog and am the official webmaster. This fall I spent a week re-painting the parking stripes and the tool shed so I could have more hours. Still, it's the type of job that will never be a guaranteed 40/week. The averages lately have been more like 25/week.
I've managed with this. I cut luxury expenses, clamped down on unnecessary driving, and have done my best not to spend more than is absolutely necessary to survive when it comes to groceries. I've had some very, very tight months, but God is faithful and it has always worked out, sometimes with mere pennies to spare.
My mother claims I should never have seen this job as a long-term commitment and now that my income is down, I should be aggressively pursuing a new full-time job. (Important background info: I am 23, but the baby of the family. My parents are still a little miffed I didn't move back home after graduating) She brings it up every time we talk, saying I should set a weekly goal of a number of resumes to be sending out, and to apply for anything and everything, regardless of whether or not it's something I want to do. She keeps using the phrase "real job." She reminds me that very few people have a job they love, and that right now I should focus on making money to pay down my student loans quicker and get out of debt. Later I can worry about finding a job that makes me happy.
I am a responsible person. I am a person who cares deeply about making the best choice about everything, not just a good choice. I admit to being less than thrilled with the money I'm making - I don't have internet at home, I ration my heater time, and I always have to do a mental check of funds before agreeing to a dinner with friends. Basically, my mom is appealing to that part of me when she says I should be more responsible about getting out of debt.
I've told my mother that I love my job and I would rather stick with this than get rich, but she tells me it's not about being rich, it's about being debt-free. I've given in enough to send out resumes, but I've only heard back from a couple, and not received any offers. My mom says I'm not trying hard enough. I would agree—if I were anxious for a new job.
My problem is that I agree with my mom on some level. I'm intelligent and a very hard worker. I know I could probably find a job that pays much more in an office somewhere. I know I could be "doing better," but I don't want a corporate job that doesn't help people. I want to make a difference. I also want to be a responsible adult who has her parents' approval. It seems I can't do both with the job I have.
Am I being stubborn? Should I throw myself into the job hunt? Should I put my foot down with my mom and tell her to lay off? (This last option could be lethal, even with the two states between us)
Wanting to take the excellent course,
Happy-But-Penniless
Dear Happy-But-Penniless,
Where to begin on this two-pronged coNUNdrum?
There's nothing quite like the love of a mother for her children. Moms want the very best for them, though they can be misguided about exactly what that is. That's the first prong.
The second one is the job. For most people, the primary purpose of a job is to financially support oneself or ones family. Your mother is right—many people take jobs they find unfulfilling—out of necessity, out of love. Yet who would wish that on anyone? Who would begrudge another person fulfillment and a great boss?—especially if she was successfully supporting herself—regardless of how meagerly.
But then there's that debt. And your mother is right, there too--the sooner you pay it off, the less it will cost you.
Basically, we recommend you make two commitments.
First, commit to finding a second part-time job aggressively. With this new job, don't be concerned if you love it or not—just find something that will give you extra income. Then stay disciplined. Don't put all that extra income into Internet and dinners with friends, etc. Some part-time jobs even pay well. Have you checked into your region's ESL program? Starbucks ain't fancy, but they've got great insurance options, even for part-timers.
The second commitment we recommend is to seek a full-time job passively. You don't have to scour the want ads 40 hours a week. But keep your ears open. Promise yourself that if a full-time opportunity should fall in your lap, you'll take a serious look at it. Part of your mother's frustration probably stems from a fear that you're not really concerned with your situation. Hearing that you have a plan may ease her worry.
Though this alone won't change the overall dynamic between you. If you want a close relationship, you're going to have to break from her iron will. The sooner the better because the issues only escalate from here. Put a husband or children into the mix, and you're looking at emotionally charged feelings and exchanges that could prove volatile.
Repeat to yourself: firm but loving. Your living on your own was a great first step. With your job(s) you have the opportunity to further establish your independence. Tell her your plans; acknowledge that she's right about some things. But then no matter what she says, stick to your guns and repeat to yourself: firm but loving, firm but loving. Even if it makes her mad. At some point it will most likely get worse before it gets better.
This transition to adulthood can be tough, but you and your mother will be better off in the long run if you stand up to her.
We're sure our readers will have plenty to add, so we'll turn it over to them!
Please let us know how it goes.
XOXO,
Lisa and Maddie
Fabulous advice, MikChiks! SUCH a thin line to walk. Good stuff :)
ReplyDeleteDear HBP, the MikChiks are right-on the money here. (Sorry) Why don't you look for a full time job in this area which makes you happy? It seems that field would be open to dedicated, patient, experienced people like you. Do not give up either your independence or your ties to your mother. Both will stand you in good stead for years to come...and get those loans paid as quickly as you can.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I also majored in literature in college, and I know that unless you follow the standard career path (get the master’s, get the doctorate, become a college-level assistant professor and begin working toward tenure), it’s not easy to find a good job. I define a “good job” as one that satisfies both the soul and the bank account.
ReplyDeleteI generally agree with what the others have said, but with this caveat: the path to that “good job” is not necessarily linear, and you don’t always arrive at the final destination the first year after you finally leave college (nor the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth...). I finally got the job I really wanted, but it took five years along a path that was circuitous (and at times precarious!).
Your mother may not understand. But the important thing is this: if your finances are disconnected from your parents’ (that is, you’re living on your own and managing without calling for a bailout every month or two or three), then your job situation is really your own concern. That doesn’t mean you should reject your mother or her advice. (I’m an only child; I know what it is to have loving and concerned parents.) But in a gentle, kind, but firm way, perhaps you should let her know that you’re managing... and steer your conversations with her away from your finances and job situation.
And now the part that your mother really won’t like. If your passion is working with dyslexic and learning-disabled kids, and you only have a B.A. in English literature, perhaps you need to return to school to complete a degree in education with an emphasis in special education. You’re young, you don’t have a full-time job, and (I’m guessing?) you don’t have a spouse and children yet. This is the time to do it. Yes, it means more debt, and it means not getting that full-time job for a while. But once you do begin looking for work, you’ll have a much better chance of landing a good job–a job you love–at a decent wage.
Best,
Carol S.
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ReplyDeleteAs always, we truly appreciate your input/insight. You've made some great points for Penniless to ponder.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mik Chiks and everyone else who commented!
ReplyDeleteI did want to add a few more pieces of info just to clear up a few things and add a semi-update
1. While it is not *always* 40 hours a week, in the summer is is consistently. Most of the time I average 30 hours a week, which is somehow much, much better than the 25. This week I have 37.5, which is looking great with Christmas next week. Just so everyone knows it's not always so Oliver Twist around my apartment.
2. A large part of my mother's worry stems from the fact that my older sister is currently living on my parent's generosity. They pay her rent, cell phone bills and many other expenses. She is currently going through a divorce and working about 20 hours a week, so she and her two-year-old have no money at all. I understand the emotion, but find it frustrating all the same. :)
3. My semi-update: My cousins are now coming to my business for comprehension help. I've known for a while that things were not quite right, but finally convinced my aunt to get them tested. Because I recommended them, they received a discount on the testing, and they are staying with me (they live an hour away) while they come through the program. If I had found another job prior to this, they might not have had this opportunity, which is huge for them as they are five grade levels behind in comprehension. I am SO thrilled that I am a part of this great change for them. Perhaps when their time is done I will feel better about searching for another job, but for the moment, my place here is secure.
Wow, I'm such a rambler. Thanks again, everyone!
PS - and yes, I will think about the part-time job (probably once I don't have 14-year-old twins to worry about in the evenings. As for the standing-up-to-mom thing... pray for me.