Getting to THAT First Kiss

Oh, Happy Friday!
Your suggestions for "Lost that Cooking Feeling" were inspiring—I thank Tiff and the like-minded and the Poor Onion Farmer. This weekend I'll shop and cook for all of next week—except for when Sam takes me out for a gourmet meal (thanks, Verna), and "pizza" night (thanks, Mari). I'll provide pictures/menu.  If I can keep that up for two weeks, we'll call it the second coNUNdrum we've successfully solved. We'll be on a roll—or a crockpot—or something.

Now with a fair amount of trepidation, on to our last coNUNdrum of the week:

Dear Lisa,
My problem is that I am hopelessly addicted to The X-files. Somehow I missed it in the 90’s and am just now watching for the first time. Every day when I log onto my computer, I intend to get right to work. I’ve got articles to write, websites to publish, research to do but somehow at some point, each day, I end up on the Netflix “watch instantly” section. The thing is I want to see Mulder and Scully kiss. When are they going to kiss? I’m already in the middle of Season 2 and nothing’s happened! They are obviously attracted to each other. My big worry is that I know there are several more seasons to go. Am I going to have to watch season after season, only to be disappointed? Do I have to wait for the movie? How can I do my work or even sleep knowing that the next episode might be the one? Please help.
Signed,
Meanderer in X-files Hell

Spoiler Alert: Meanderer or anyone else a decade and a half behind who hasn't seen the X-files: kisses will be revealed--and a little more.


Dear Meanderer,

"Lost's" Desire Has Gone Up in Smoke

Wednesday Greetings!
I suppose it's my turn to send you a coNUNdrum.   Here goes:

Dear Readers,

When Sam and I entered wedded bliss almost 24 years ago, I had one meal in my cooking repertoire: non-gourmet lasagna, cucumber salad, and "cheesecake" poured into a ready-made graham cracker piecrust—covered by a layer of strawberry Jell-o.

Amazingly enough, Sam didn't feel ripped off, but I was smart enough to know that might not always be the case.—ergo, I dove into cooking, and baking with gusto. It didn't matter that we lived in a quaint and kimchee-filled  Korean village. Sam had gone out of his way and budget to buy me a narrow stove and oven—NOT typical where we lived. He's always been altruistic that way.

I biked to the library on Camp Red Cloud, checked out a stack of cookbooks and was on my way to gastronomical achievement.

My mother-in-law (Mom), who is an EXCELLENT chef, continued my education once we returned to the states. Then we moved to a country house, where I was able to put all this learning into practice—dinner parties ensued.

Fast forward to last year. Maddie and Katalina and Spencer (off-spring), all had reached or were closing in on their 20s and were doing their own thing. I began a full-out love-affair that had been brewing on the back-burner for years—writing. Short stories, devotionals, novels, not to mention Facebook (hangs head sheepishly)—and now a blog. With all that time at my laptop, there hasn't been much time at the stovetop. Not that I'm conflicted. I don't WANT to spend time in the kitchen. I fix healthful meals—90-second brown rice, microwaveable fresh vegetables, grilled meat, but Sam is accurate when he says: Honey, no one opens up dinner like you.

Not that he's complained—much. His eyes do light up when, on the rare occasion, he observes me dust off the stove's glass top. (Sometimes I find a sad face fingered into the dust before I wipe it down.)  Sam has become a huge fan of "Hell's Kitchen." I don't know how to read that. And what about the droolish appearance he gets when Recently-Married-Maddie describes what she's been making from the "Cooking Light" magazines I pass to her—even though the subscription was a gift to me from "Mom."  Hey, I wonder if Sam put "Mom" up to that. I wonder , too, if "Mom" is reading this.

Food is foundational—nourishment, communion, comfort, so here are my questions related to this coNUNdrum:

1. Do I need to force myself back into the kitchen?
2. Is it okay to take a break? If so, how long?
3. Any advice (offbeat or otherwise), for getting back into cooking enjoyment?
4. Any other solutions?—ones that I can afford. All that writing hasn't made me much money—yet.

If you have an answer too long for the "comments" section, you can email it to me. I'd like to post some answers on Friday.

I appreciate any insight/help you send my way!
Signed,
Lost that Cooking Feeling

Kissing the Homecoming Queen Good-bye

Dear Lisa,

Recently I've been wrestling with my blog, and being a blogger buddy followed by a band of bloggers, perhaps you can assist me with my coNUNdrum.

I believe I am, to some degree, a funny person. If I'm in a room full of people, and I know I can make a punny comment, I'll seize the moment. And if people laugh...I keep going. Hysterics often result. Cheeks hurt from the lack of laughter muscles getting a wacky workout. But in recent years, as my artsy-fartsy writing gift has emerged, I also tend to have a melancholy manic from time to time.

So here's my coNUNdrum...

When I created my blog I intended it to be light hearted yet professional. After all...it represents me as a speaker, author, professional, friend, and woman of God. (see the halo glow behind my head?) The problem I appear to have is that when I feel the tug to blog, it seems to be in my serious side of my brain. (I believe that is the left side). My first blog/web page effort totally was left brained... so much so it scared me that I'd be labeled as a boring left-brained melancholy manic. So, I started over with a new blog...and a new one after that...and I can't shake the serious tone of blogland.

I really like how my blog "looks", and I hope to someday have loads and tons of traffic that pushes me right up to homecoming queen status among the blog kingdom, but alas, I can't seem to find my blogginess bliss, which keeps me from blogging on a regular basis.

Can I be both funny AND serious and still develop the professional homecoming queen status? Can I minister AND have fun at the same time? Can I be deeply spiritual AND surface superficial? And will you still love me in the morning if I am?

If you'd like to leave a message, press 1. If you'd like to pray for me, press 2. If you need directions inside my brain, press 3. If you have chocolate to share...mail it to me.

Signed,
Bogged Blogger

Dear Bogged Blogger,
Your letter is evidence of your sense of humor, but I have to ask: Who the heck told you blogging is supposed to be fun? It's a grave endeavor that requires serious commitment and furrowed brows. As a writer you should know this. You're in the arts for Pete's sake. Everyone knows you can't be a truly gifted artist if you aren't morose, depressed, or troubled in some extraordinary way. Who wants to read, gaze at, or listen to anything created by someone NOT ready to lop off an extremity?

Note furrowed brow--the ear is just a matter of time.

About wanting tons of traffic to your blog and gaining Homecoming Queen status. That's so left-brained of you—focusing on the goal and not the journey—you are going places! Let's look at how we can help you to this end.

Traditional/Adolescent Methods:
• Rigging the vote
• Intimidating/undermining opponents
• Bribes
Contemporary/Adult Methods:
• I'm not savvy enough to "rig" the on-line vote—maybe someone else can help.
• Intimidation won't lend itself to being deeply spiritual—pick one.
• Bribes— I've thought of using this myself. Offer "giveaways" or "prizes" for coming to the site and bringing others along. Books, gift cards, etc. I would term it as an "Incentive," though. Sounds less calculating. (Any feedback from readers on that?)


Being left-brained makes you a dog-lover and a methodical person. Canine affection aside, if you're going to insist on writing a blog dappled with humor, you'll best accomplish this by marking it on the calendar. Commit to making every third (or so) post funny—regardless of how you feel that day. Most subjects have a lighter side to them—seek this lighter side out.


You asked if your blog can be both a ministry and a place for fun. Do you REALLY think that's feasible?—nevermind all the scripture verses to the contrary--like the ones that talk about joy in the Lord being a strength, and how having a merry heart doth doeth good. When you're dealing with God (just like with the arts), shouldn't you have to be ALL serious ALL the time? After ALL, there just might be a Christian out there who just might take offense at your humor. The safest way to guard against this possibility is to paint yourself into a small, tight, serious box. This can be accomplished by allowing your mind to enter the quagmire of worrying about man's perception of who you are. This state is also conducive to manufacturing deep spriituality—fear of how we are perceived, and the need to impress go hand in hand.


If you continue to strive for fun/joy,  by using puns, jokes, and irony in your ministry, you'll have to shut out man's opinion and concentrate on your relationship with God—He knows your heart, loves it in all its humorous, joyful, sometimes superficial, sometimes morosely-manic glory.


I believe (and now I'm being serious—my brows are furrowed) it's only in this kind of relationship with Him that you will find your Blogging Bliss. As long as you worry about man's opinion and Homecoming Queen status you'll be stymied. He is the One you serve. You don't need to impress Him, either. Just listen for His nudging and write in love. Don't be afraid to stick your stinky foot into your own mouth—because it will most likely happen. (After reading the disgusting comments to "Germaphobe's" letter that doesn't really sound so bad—band-aids in meatloaf? BLECH!)

Send me your address, Blogged Blogger—and your preference in chocolate—nuts or no nuts. If I had to guess, it would be nuts—really nuts. Mmmm . . . now I've got a hankering.

There, that's a better image than the meatloaf!
So, let me know your schedule for humorous posts, BB, because although you may not have noticed it, I have a proclivity for that sort of thing.

Readers? What say ye? What advice do you have for BB?  And how do you like the fancy-shmancy signature????  Hey, why are there red-line boxes around it?  I didn't see those in preview.  Hmmm.  Anyway, the lines (phone lines) are open.

Updates: The Tales of Two coNUNdrums

Friday Greetings—

We have two updates today—one from "Prisoner," which is ongoing, and one from "Kayaker" which I'm going to tally in the "success" column. To date, we have solved ONE coNUNdrum! Yes! Give yourselves a hand. Maybe Mari would make a chart for us where we can keep track. One year I kept track of all the prayer requests/outcomes of our small church family—it blessed me to take note of how God answered those prayers, and how many times He used plain ordinary people (like us) to do it.

Now for Prisoner's update:

Dear Responders,
I appreciate all of your responses to my letter to Lisa a couple weeks ago. The situation is complicated, but not impossible. I do have the support of the women at my church. For the first time in my life, I feel secure, loved, cared for, and protected. All of you have added to that.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked God, “How long?” or felt that I needed to keep quiet because exposing the nakedness of our family is dishonoring to my husband. Or how many times I tried to ask for help from women at my former church, and was told, “You need to be thankful God has put it on your mother-in-law’s heart to support your family.”


I’m sorry, I need to break there and say something to that. “HOGWASH!” If you disagree with that, I apologize. However, my mother-in-law went against the instructions of her husband when he said, “Do not give them money. He needs to get a job.” My husband also, for receiving the moneys dishonored his father. According to my Bible, this is dangerous ground.


Back to my letter.


It has been in this past year that the guilt and shame has begun to weigh heavy on my head. Knowing that my church rescued us time-and-again, added to it. Wondering how long they would assist stirred fear. However, God faithfully sent women my way saying, “I don’t know why, but God has me praying for you.” Or, “Whenever I see you I hear the Lord tell me how much He loves you. It makes me want to cry because you don’t even see it.”


The wounds go deep. This has gone on a long time. This week, I will be asking “Tom” to move out. Three years ago, I said, “I will get a job if I have to, but you'll have to move out.” Since December, I have been receiving freelance writing jobs. When talking to a couple ladies, who followed me into the bathroom today (Sunday, 7-18-10) as I melted into a puddle before them, the ladies pressed me to be true to my word. I know they are right. I was thinking about those words this morning before church, and knew that I needed to show him that talk is cheap.


Please continue to pray for me. I need courage. I am bombarded daily with thoughts, “You are making too much out of this. You need to lighten up. Look at his health.”


Ok, so he has health issues. BUT, they haven’t been issues the entire 19 ½ years of our marriage. His selfish behavior towards the children is not new. He quit his job – a possibility of future ownership – with his dad’s business, one month after our wedding. Why? For a business opportunity that would afford him great income at little effort. And so the cycle began.


His mom enabled him. I’ve begged her to stop. “We need to be thrown off the dock. It is up to us to sink or swim.” She didn’t listen. When I left my job 10 years ago at his urging – he did after all have a good job now – she said, “No more money from us then.”


My response: “Thank you.” It didn’t stop. What I’m saying now is this: I have been struggling with this for years. I am worn out. My emotions are all over the place. Yet, I find myself afraid of hurting his feelings. Why is that?


Most appreciative,
Prisoner

Note #1: Prisoner talked to "Tom"—he was cooperative. They are deciding which is best while he gets his act together—his moving out, or her moving out to live with her brother.

Dear Prisoner,


Thank you for updating us. It's so good to hear that progress is being made, and that you are staying the course. You asked why you are afraid to hurt his feelings. Only you can know for sure, but here are some possibilities:


• Women in general don't like to hurt people's feelings
• You have a soft heart toward your husband—in spite of everything. If so, keep it—even as you hold him accountable.
• Fear of his reaction
• Fear of change—as much as it's needed, and with all your faith and support, it can still be a scary proposition


Please continue to give us updates, Prisoner—you continue to be in our prayers.

Here is Kayakers update:

Hi Lisa/Readers
After much prayer and mulling over all the WONDERFUL input (emphasis mine), I got up the nerve to talk with my friend. She was almost excited at first, and started talking about how we could do the race. I kept emphasizing (in the fun way we use with each other) how tough it was going to be and how it would require whole-hearted commitment, etc. She wavered and I told her to think about it and I totally understood if she didn't want to do it.


She texted me two days later and said she probably wouldn't do it.


So now I'm off on a mad dash to find a partner! lol, I think my brother will if no one else.


Thanks again for the advice and support *hugs*
Love,
No Longer Confused

Note #2: did anyone else notice that I did NOT receive an invitation to participate in this race even though I made the offer? My feelings aren't hurt, though. No, I'm fairly certain that "Kayaker" would have asked had she not been scared away by my first-born offspring's comments. This is what happens when you teach your children to write.)

Sure, they look all innocent while learning--but then. . . . WATCH out!

Note #3: I think we deserve pictures of kayaker's event, don't you?

Before I wish you a great weekend, I make a plea for your coNUNdrums—send 'em in--you won't find judgment here.

 After all, we want to avoid this kind of thing:

Weekend Well-Wishes: May you have a fabulous stress-free two days spent with the people you love and who love you.

All in Goodwill,

Lisa

The Last Note:  The lines are actually ALWAYS open for you.

Fork Probe Germaphobe

Dear Lisa,

I hope you can help me. My situation is a little backwards. My coNUNdrum is offbeat and I'm looking for everyday advice.

Recently we had the opportunity to visit close family members. We live in different states, so usually only see each other once a year. We love getting together. They are so good to us when we visit, fixing meals, playing games, and just showing us a great time.

My coNUNdrum occurs at meal time. After eating, certain family members will use their used forks to take seconds on meat, often moving aside pieces with their fork to get to the piece they want. It turns my stomach to see them do this. There were times I wanted seconds, but after seeing this, I refrained.

Should I say something, maybe turning it into a joke? Should I just keep my mouth shut for the sake of family peace? Or, am I just a germophobic whimp?

Signed,
Hungry, Hungry, Whimpo!


Dear Hungry, Hungry, Whimpo!
I've having a smidge of trouble drumming up compassion for your coNUNdrum.

When my mom passed away, my dad (step-dad technically) moved in with us.  He loved to cook—was a gourmet chef of sorts, which should have made me jump up and down with joy. But alas, it was not so.

Dad was a "taster," and didn't believe in washing or even rinsing the spoon with which he tasted. Yup, utensils with his saliva dripping from their tips went right back into pots and pans. Oh, how I tried to remedy this. We had variations of this conversation a multitude of times:


"Dad," I'd say, "tell me I didn't just see that."
"What?"
"You know—the spoon in the mouth and then directly into the ragout pot thing."
"Pshaw."
"That's not hygenical."
"Not a real word."
"It's not clean."
"Wive's tale."
"Pleeeeeeease, Dad, it grosses the kids out (yeah, I blamed it all on them)."
"Okay, okay—I'll try to remember."


But he never remembered for long, and we were left with nothing but to make faces.

The kicker came the day he dropped his front tooth denture into the white chili—and didn't realize it until we fished it out of Madeline's bowl during dinner.

Hungry Whimpo—how I wish a fork in the steak once a year had been my coNUNdrum. But this isn't about me, is it? No. You asked if you should use humor in changing your family. NO! Humor won't make a dent with them—of this I'm fairly certain. Sure, you could combine it with another strategy like leading by example, but this is how I picture that going down.


You reach for a second piece of steak with your own used fork and say in a loud dizty voice:
"OOPS!—I was about to use my own fork to get that! Wouldn't want to expose you to all the microbes roaming around in this mouth-ha-ha-ha-ha."
"Ah— little darlin'—we don't care 'bout no skinkin' microbes. Here, let me get that for ya."


You could make sure the steak platter and serving fork stayed close to you and that you served out seconds—but that might make you appear territorial.

You could offer to make kabobs for the family--though their fingers might accidently touch your spears.

You could get your seconds when you get your firsts and ignore comments of eating like a pig (not meant as an insult to the swine population).

You could forgo seconds—who needs two helpings of red meat?

OR you could step up to the plate and take the bold and violent approach—the only one I believe is long-term and has a chance of working. First, have the serving fork in the ready position.

.
When Grandpa Joe (not his real name), reaches for seconds, scream, "Stop right there or I'll stab your antediluvian flesh with this completely sterile fork, and I'm not joking. Obviously, I'm the only one who knows how to use this."


If that doesn't get your "point" across, nothing will.


I wish you luck with this trauma, trauma, trauma, Whimpy, and I mean that with a minimum amount of "sass" as my friend, Verna, likes to say.


Any words of wisdom from the readers? The lines are now open and sanitized.

It's Not About the Pants

Dear Lisa,

My older sister and I have not spoken in a month. I was getting a little frustrated with her because she would always invite our younger sister to go places and not me and I still don't get why a 22 year old would want to hang out with a 16 year old over a 20 year old. Our problems worsened when we traveled down to Florida together to see our oldest sister and the two of them sort of ganged up on me and tried to convince me I was incredibly judgmental. I defended myself at the time but never really said anything about how angry it actually made me--I tend to be a very passive person.

Once we were back in Virginia, my sister and I got into a fairly silly argument over a pair of pants. For me, the argument wasn't really about the pants at all, it was about everything else, but I never told her that and I'm still not sure if she knows. I know the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk to her and explain why I was really upset and apologize for making such a big deal out of the pants incident, but she's never been an easy person to talk to. She's always had a horrible temper and we've grown apart a lot in the last six or seven years. The more I think about apologizing, the angrier I get about the whole situation because she's put me through a lot and she's never apologized to me.

Our relationship started on a downward spiral when I was 14 and she was 16 and she started dating a 21 year old, which caused a lot of stress for my family. She and my dad were fighting nonstop and it all exploded at Christmas dinner. I was so furious with both of them because I didn't understand why they couldn't get along for just ONE day. My sister ended up running away that night and I think the rest of my anger and bitterness comes from her leaving us like that. It just seemed like one of the most selfish things anyone could ever do. I understood that she and my dad weren't getting along, but to run away on Christmas and ruin everything for everyone else just seemed a little extreme.

I really do want to work everything out with her, but I feel like I want her to come to me first this time. I guess I just want to know that she cares about fixing things as much as I do and that she'll actually be willing to work on our relationship instead of just writing me off as her judgmental little sister. At the same time though, I'm not even sure how comfortable I would feel talking to her about all of these things because it would make me feel so vulnerable and I don't want to put myself in a position where I could end up being hurt more. I just don't know how to go about handling the situation and I'd like to make some progress before I go back to school at the end of August and our opportunities for working things out become practically nonexistent.
Signed,
Non-Judgmental Little Sister

Dear Judgmental Little Sister,
Sisters can make you want to pull your (or their) hair out, and transition times of life can make it worse—so first off, YAY for wanting to hang in there. That's very "Big" of you. Now let's break your coNUNdrum down into smaller pieces.


1. You said you weren't judgmental, but I think you and everyone else is, too—and that's not necessarily bad. Through the lens of how we see the world—our worldview (Christian, humanistic etc.), we observe the cause and effect of people's actions. When we make decisions for our own lives using what we observe, then we are being judgmental. If your sister is engaged in behavior you don't emulate, then she will take that as your being judgmental. And she would be right. The "trick" so to speak is to convey that you are judging the behavior for your own life based on what you believe—not that you're judging her.


2. About your fear of your sister's temper. Lots of people (sometimes called bullies) deliberately use a temper to cower others. It's effective in shutting passive (and even not-so-passive) people down. When your sister shuts you down, she has fewer issues to face.

A. Bottling up your feelings isn't the right answer. Work on expressing your feelings and opinions in a measured and calm manner —it will develop "quiet" confidence. There is almost nothing as formidable as a person who speaks with quiet confidence that stems from objective Truth. Your sister may not listen in the beginning—she may walk away, scream, accuse you of being nuts, but if you are steady in your interactions with her, chances are that you will get to a place of having a healthy relationship.


B. With that said—pick your time, place, and method carefully!


3. Your relationship with your sister has spiraled downward in stages, and it might be best to work on fixing it that way, too. The bigger issues of her having dated someone older when she was young, and the consequences to the family, are wrapped up in so much more than you can tackle. There are issues of parenting—could your father have handled it better—and other family dynamics as well. It doesn't seem like there's been enough time and space to look at those issues objectively—so on those, I'd wait—at least until you re-establish a of relationship with her.


4. Extending a hand to someone you love is not apologizing to them. And the sad truth is that we can't make others apologize to us even when we deserve it. I know you want her to come to you, but you're the one whose heart is nudging for some sort of reconciliation. Hers may be, too, but we can't know that for sure. So the question becomes: is it better to deny your own heart now in view of the bigger picture? Sometimes the right answer to that question is yes. In this case, though, I don't think it's a bad idea to extend an olive branch. Your sister may not be ready for an all-out genuine relationship, but you can forge a beginning by getting back on speaking terms. 


5. The last breaking point of your relationship was over something silly—the pants. I might start the healing process in an equally silly place. Like you could leave her a note on binder paper that says in juvenile scrawl: I like you. If you like me, check the "yes" box and fill in the blank below. I'd like to meet you at _____AM/PM at _____ for gummy bears and lattes. If she has a good sense of humor, you could add that you'll be the one in a skirt—not pants. Or something equally ridiculous that might make you both laugh.


6. Above all, approach her from a place of love. Nothing touches another human being as much as love does. If you can do that (without letting self-righteousness at doing it creep in), you will, at the very least, have peace about the situation—whether you find resolution today or ten years from now.  Sometimes it just takes that long.


Little Sister, we are hoping for the very best for you. Please keep us posted about how things go. I know many of us will be praying for you and your Big Sister.


The lines are now open for your astute advice and warm encouragement.

Clueless and His Moonboots--How it Began!

Greetings!
We've had a response from "Clueless in Seattle" regarding the acquisition of his moonboots in answer to one of your comments.  Before we go there, I have a couple of other updates/announcements.

• Please continue praying for "Prisoner" as she makes strides.
• "Kayaker" hasn't made a decision yet--may have an injury.
• If you go to the bottom of the blog, (I think you click on ATOM), you can sign up so comments will come directly to your in-box. 
• Updates on coNUNdrums are always welcome.  Several readers have emailed me to ask about various outcomes.  It's good to see when situations come full circle to resolution--with or without offbeat advice.
• Thank you for sending in your insights/advice and your coNUNdrums.  Whatever's on your heart/mind is a-okay.  You all have made blogging a rich experience--sometimes making me cry, and sometimes making me laugh.  I feel blessed to be in community with you. 
• Lastly, feel free to send the blog to your friends--I don't want to drain you of your coNUNdrums:)
• Not sure if that last bullet point came out as intended.

With no further ado, here is "Clueless" in his own poetic words--the self-deprecating humor, btw, made my day.  Thanks, Clueless--for this peek into your world.

Hi Lisa,
If there were ever to be picture of me in my coveralls and moon boots, it would have to appear as only a stick figure dutifully drawn on the walls of our barn by one of the horses. My wife, as keeper of the family heraldry, feels such images are best left to one’s imaginings.


That I do wear a cowboy hat can be seen in the attached photo – please note the boots on Krissy. She thinks moon boots make quite a fashionable statement (she is a mare) and wanted a pair of her own. Who knew I’d ever be a trend setter, but there it is. The only difference is that my moon boots (used for mowing and not for riding) are red, white and blue while hers are black. She insisted on this color – why, I’m not quite sure.

As far as the history of the moon boots, it was a time when I tried to get my family involved with cross-country skiing. The fact that we lived in Las Vegas at the time didn’t seem to factor into my reasoning. The boots were at Home Depot, they were on sale, the bold colors of red and blue would stand out in case we were ever lost in a blizzard. Besides, like a family crest, it would set our family apart and show us as a team – case closed. Four pairs of red, white and blue moon boots appeared under the tree for Christmas.


Holding one’s tact while opening gifts must be a trait inherited by my kids from their mom; I didn’t have a clue. Their eyes seemed wide, possibly a little dazed, but I chalked it up to being up early on Christmas morning. Since it was Vegas and no snow in the remote future, the boots were closeted and mostly forgotten. That is until we moved to the PNW where they (at least for me) found a new usefulness.


I have no idea where the rest of the family’s boots might be. But looking back, I have a sneaking suspicion that the three pair of identical looking boots I saw at our church’s bazaar for St. Vincent de Paul’s just before leaving Vegas, just might have been them.


So, there’s the history. As for the future: Argyle? Maybe in a tie. Those sandals with straps going up the legs? What keeps the straps up? Do you need to pin them to your shorts? Even I know that would look tacky.


I do have a pair of John Deere boots. Just have to remember not to wear them with the shorts because there would be another conundrum as to what socks to wear with them. I like the idea of the ankle socks – I even own a few pair, which I wear around the house as slippers.


I like the idea of being bold, too. As far as going bare-chested. No problem there as I have skinny hips and my pants are apt of fall down revealing more than I or anyone else would care to see. I could wear suspenders, I guess, but those tan lines would look kind of funny and difficult to explain in a communal shower with a bunch of guys after a workout at the gym.


Thanks for everybody's help. I’ve reached no conclusion, but the conNUNdrum just might resolve itself soon. I just noticed a couple of holes in the bottom of the moon boots (ten years old after all) and I know from past experience, even duct tape does little to keeping water out of shoes.


Sign me, Clueless.

The lines are open for you to thank "Clueless" for his update and picture--or give him any last minute advice.  Hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

All in Goodwill,
Lisa

Do Moonboots Make the Man?

Hey Lisa –

Here is my coNUNdrum.

More in deference to my wife, daughter and son than any kind of bow to Lady Bird Johnson and her appeal to her fellow Americans to help beautify our wonderful country, I ask this question. Actually, it’s a two part question, both related in respect to men’s wearing apparel. The first when mowing one’s lawn. The other when wearing sandals.

I mow our lawn, sometimes I actually enjoy it – but my wearing apparel seems to be in constant question. In spring to mid summer, here in the PNW, our lawns are cold and wet. So, I wear moon boots and overalls. With cowboy hat snug over my brow, I’ve been told if I but put a veil over the brim, I’d look more like a bee keeper on a moon mission than an attendant grass cutter. (As an aside, those making such observations obviously do not know there are no bees on the moon – at least none that I’m aware of). However, the lawn must be mowed and so on I go.

In late summer, I do change my garb to tennis shoes and white (not black as my mother did teach me some fashion sense) calf-link socks and knee-length shorts. Again, I’ve been told if I changed out my compulsory cowboy hat for a pith helmet I’d look more like a proper Brit on an archeologist mission to undercover the latest tomb in Egypt rather than what I am, a guy trying to mow his lawn.

I say the cowboy hat is compulsory for several reasons, the least of which I think the horses seem to enjoy seeing me wear it - it’s a bonding kind of thing – they like to see me working. So, any suggestion of wardrobe selection for mowing one’s lawn would greatly be appreciated.

The second question is what does a man where with sandals? This is an easily answered question for those who live in dry, hot climates. But it is normally wet and cold here, which means our legs are not just white, but glaringly so when summer finally shows up. I know black socks are not an option, but donning the white calf-link socks tends to prejudice the casual observer from discerning one’s true nationality (as mentioned above about being British on an expedition). Jesus, it seems, didn’t have this problem because of the long robes - maybe this was his answer to this coNUNdrum.

In help in these two areas are greatly anticipated and appreciated.

Most sincerely, Clueless in Seattle

Dear (not-so) Clueless in Seattle,
It does my heart good to see a man make a fashion effort on behalf of his wife and children—who, for their part, seem to accept his "outfits" with forbearance and only some light-hearted teasing.


With that said, moon boots are an interesting choice for early spring or any season but winter. Oma Heidenstecker used to say, "Die Schuhe macht den Mann," and I tend to agree with her.  Footgear matters.

Surely, we can do better than this.  What if you went with something like the John Deere boots below? They're sturdy, comfortable, and will compliment the overalls and the cowboy hat (without you looking like a "try hard"). I'm pretty sure even the horses will love them.

Let's move on to late spring/summer mowing. Thank you for continuing my fashion education. I had no idea what "calf-link" socks were until I looked them up.

If I had to guess, I'd say you wear white. How about expanding your repertoire with some of these argyle beauties—they are truly spiffy.

These combined with your Bermuda-length shorts and tennis shoes would keep you protected (as only the kneecaps are exposed), plus provide a bit of flair.


IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Most women do not want their men to look "too" put together. I personally love the odd Indiana Jones/GI Joe look Sam sports while mowing. When a guy becomes a better fashionista than his girl, it makes her self-conscious. Women—(for the most part) don't want men who spend more time in the three-way mirror than they do. The current term for these men is "Metro-sexual".


A Metrosexual is defined as an urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.


Good basic grooming? Yes. Mostly boring wardrobe with a dash of quirk? Yes. The argyle socks would definitely add a dash of quirk—though you don't seem to have a real problem in that department.
 
On we go to the sandal issue. No wonder your legs are so durned white. You've got them covered up while mowing! There are three, no four solutions—none of them allow socks with sandals.


1. Wear ankle socks (there are athletic/manly varieties) with your shorts and tennis shoes when outside on your property (when it isn't dangerous)—even if it's cool—the sun will still work some of its magic.

2. Use a spray/self-tanner—but before you do, consider the IMPORTANT NOTE above.

3. Wear Roman sandals which will provide some color on the calf.

4. Wear your lily-white legs boldly—confidence is 90% of any look.

One last point: you haven't mentioned your torso attire in any of this. In my humble opinion a shirt is a "must have" when mowing the lawn, unless said mower is out of eyeshot of neighbors, family, and horses. In sandals, at the beach—bare chestedness is acceptable. No image needed.

Another last point:  women tend to "mock complain" about things that don't really bother them regarding their spouses--for two reasons: 1. They don't want other women to hate them for having a husband who is too perfect. 2. To keep husbands on their toes.

So you could go with the belief that your wife loves you exactly the way you are--moonboots and all and call it a day.
 In conclusion, I applaud your desire to make our country a more beautiful place. Feel free to send us pictures of the outcome.




All in Goodwill,
Lisa


Let's have it readers—what's your fashion advice for Clueless in Seattle?

Should Kayaker Throw Friend Overboard?

Dear Lisa,

I have a plain ordinary coNUNdrum I'd love y'all to tackle.

About four years ago, my best friend and I went on a daring adventure: a 22 mile canoe/kayak race down a swampy, alligator infested, no-moving river with about 100 other contestants. We weren't in it for the race, just the adventure. We each had a kayak and started off nice and slow. I was pumped and ready to blaze some trails, but my friend is much more laid back and was content at a slow pace. I patiently held back for her...and held back...and held back until I was nearly exhausted. We thought we'd never reach the 15 mile check point, but finally did. It was an unspoken agreement that she would bail and I would go on to finish. But we arrived 15 minutes over the max time, so they pulled us from the river. I was so upset at not being able to finish (though I managed to keep it together in front of my friend). I love her to death, but she just doesn't have the drive I have.

No problems, our friendship is still strong. Okay, one problem. I found out it might be possible for me to tackle the race again this year. But I don't know what to do about my friend. I have a feeling she would want to do it again, but we can't end up like last time. I can't leave her behind, but I can't hang back either. I could try to pair her with someone else, I suppose, but what if they run off and leave her?

The race is less than a month away, and I'm lost at what to do. Any suggestions from 1-5 is welcome!

Sincerely,

Confused Kayaker


Dear Confused Kayaker,
It's one thing to not be the quickest kayak in the river—it's another to be pulled from the race. Kudos to you for keeping it together. I might have sacrificed my friend to the alligators.

I happen to love adventure racing, too.


One lesson I've gleaned about team racing is that it's important for each member to have the same expectations—or at the very least for everyone to know what the individual expectations are, so we can have each other's back at crunch time. Sometimes it takes a bad experience like yours to learn.


It took one of those experiences for Sam to learn what my expectations were. A few years ago, he and I and a third team member, "Marty," entered a run-of-the-mill adventure race. Running, mountain biking, kayaking (26 miles total), with obstacles thrown in to complicate things.


The first obstacle was a ten-foot wall. Sam gave a boost to Marty who had no problem hauling himself over the wall to the platform where he found and let down the rope that was waiting. I (and my low center of gravity) were up next. I grabbed the rope and walked my feet up the straight wall, Sam supporting me from "behind." Marty urged me on from above. Near the top, I swung my right leg up, caught my ankle over the wall's ledge. And it was in this unladylike position where I got stuck for at least two full microwave minutes. Had Sam informed me that a Channel 5 camera crew had come up next to him and was filming my climb from below, I feel fairly certain adrenaline would have kicked in, and that I would have gotten me and my unflattering bike shorts over that obstacle in a hurry. But Sam didn't know I had the expectation of being informed of camera crews. He does now. We've never had a repeat of this problem.


So, Confused Kayaker—I think it's a good idea to give your friend the option of racing with you and participating in your kayaking redemption. You said in your letter that there was an "unspoken agreement" between the two of you. I think this time you need to speak aloud all agreements—kindly, maybe with some humor—but above all clearly. Make sure she knows what your expectations are—how much effort she needs to make, what happens if she falls away from the pace, etc.


If she hesitates in any way, tell her you'll help her find a better-suited partner. Don't talk her into going. You don't want to risk the repeat of being pulled from the 'gators before the finish line—chances are you wouldn't handle it as well as you did the first time.


And who knows?—she might decline, which would be a less stressful scenario for you, as you'd be free to choose a partner with your same drive. If you can't find someone, btw, email me—I'd go with you in a heartbeat and paddle my arms off for you. A lower center of gravity may be a hindrance in wall-climbing, but it's a real plus in stabilizing a kayak.


Wishing you all the best this second time around.
Lisa
P.S.  This is a plain ordinary coNUNdrum?


The lines are open for reader suggestions!

Nothing Rotten in Denmark

Dear Lisa,

Why is this generation of young adults so greedy? Oh wait, I have the answer. It's because parents like me keep buying them things.

When our oldest son turned 16 we bought a little used pick-up for him to drive. At the end of his sophomore year in college (which I mistakenly remembered as being the end of his freshman year...more to come on that later in the story), he asked if we could help him buy a car--but of course, it needed to be a really cool car. We ended up finding him an extremely cool looking (lowered, sunroof, leather seats, etc.) 7 yr old Honda Accord. We paid for the whole thing at the time and he was to start paying us back after graduation. (Incidentally, we ended up spending a lot more than anticipated because there were issues with the car that were not discovered until after the purchase. Lesson learned the hard way.)

Upon graduation, we signed the car over to him and gave it to him for his graduation present--no money owed to us.

Now comes son #2. He also drives a small pick up, although it gets lousy gas mileage. I came up with this brilliant idea that we should get him a car that gets better gas mileage, and that way my husband could have the truck to use anytime he wants. (He constantly has some project going and needs the truck for dump runs, Home Depot visits, etc. And since our son is moving away to college next month, hubbie would have lost the use of the truck.)

Son #2 isn't as thrilled with Honda Accords as son #1 was, so we looked at other options. Well, we end up finding an 8 yr old BMW (sunroof, leather seats, etc.), that was only a couple hundred more than the Honda Accord cost us 4 yrs ago. We had it checked by a mechanic, and we ended up with a very good deal through a private party. (I had looked at used Honda Accords, and they were going to cost as much as this BMW.)

Son #1 is mad that we bought son #2 a BMW--even though son #1 said he doesn't like BMWs, and he wanted an Accord. And he pointed out that he had to wait until the end of his sophomore year to get a car. Plus, he threw in that we're paying for private college for son #2 when he went to a state school. (Never mind that he chose the state school over the private colleges for himself.)

I don't want son #1 thinking we love son #2 more because of a stupid car and college. We tried to do for each kid what was right at the time. You can leave out the why-did-we-buy-our-kids-cars-in-the-first-place part--that's a huge debate/argument between my husband and me anyway.

I probably should not have written this letter because if I were reading it I would call my kids spoiled rotten brats and leave it at that. Maybe they are, but there is lots more behind all this story, too.

I guess I'm just looking for some confirmation that I'm not an awful rotten parent and that my kids won't end up on Oprah talking about their horrible mother who favored one son over the other. (Oh wait, Oprah's leaving, so that's one less thing I have to worry about.)

Dear Mother of Spoiled Rotten Brats,

I may be accused of going soft, but I can't summon up stern while you're in that sorry state of mind and heart. Even "Prisoner," (from a recent coNUNdrum) whom I pray for daily, had some fire--you, on the other hand, have fizzled to a sparkler in the rain forest.


If we go by the supposition that we are created in God's image, then it's easy to see how we (parents) get into messes like this. Just look at how much we've been given by a Generous Father--and then look at how much we've squandered, forfeited, and traded away, all because we're fallen human beings who too often fail the task of treasuring and appreciating. True, you may not have the wisdom of God or of Solomon, or even of Homer Simpson, and yet, you gave out of love--a pure parental motive.


Technically, I think my job is done as you only wanted confirmation that you weren't a rotten parent. No, you aren't rotten--misguided perhaps (and which parent isn't), but not rotten.  And if this were an Affirmation Blog, I'd feel obligated to stop here--but fortunately for me, you've written into an Advice Blog.

Beware of complacency--even without Oprah, there are nursing home days ahead, and kids are quick to joke (I think they're joking) that they are the "picker-outers" of them. In other words, it's worthwhile to straighten this out. And I don't care how old your boys are, it's not too late. The consequence of not setting them straight is tragic for them. What could be uglier than offspring scratching and biting over what you've left them as you occupy your final earthly resting spots on some grassy knoll under an elm tree?


A family conference wouldn't be a bad idea. "Sons, I would say, "we don't think you're rotten monsters--you saw us trying to be fair with what we gave you, and most likely interpreted that to mean that fairness was your due. It isn't. You aren't entitled to anything you haven't earned. Your cars and college tuitions have been a gift, that we tailored the best we could to your needs and wants. Your behavior is repugnant and makes us question whether you can handle being given extras at all. That's what we're going to be looking at in the coming months. From this moment on, though, we are NOT going to worry about your reaction to what we gave you in the past or what we MIGHT give you in the future. We know in our hearts we love you the same, and we won't let you make us feel otherwise. Our guilt stops here."


From your letter, I get the impression that your problem-solving skills are strong, and that you were probably the "mastermind" behind many of the decisions which are now causing stress between you and your husband. Maybe it's time to throw up your hands and let him take the lead. I regularly fall back and pace myself off Sam--especially when it comes to the twenty-year-old boy. It's freeing actually--and if something goes wrong--it's not all my fault:). As an added bonus, the"dividing and conquering" strategy utilized by the progeny becomes ineffective.


If you don't like any of this unsolicited advice, you could always buy each son a tract home in the same subdivision in the same development and encourage them to marry identical twins. 


I wish you the best,
Lisa


And the lines are now open...

Writer Needs to Drop Words-FAST

Dear Readers,
This writer's coNUNdrum is loooooong and involved.  Here are the Cliff Notes if you get lost:  Too many small writing jobs keeping him from his main goal.  My answer is at the end in bold letters.

Hey Lisa,

Here’s my coNUNdrum:
I have one nonfiction manuscript complete. Actively seeking an agent/publisher.
I have two fiction WIPs.
I have a full-time job.
I have a bunch of grandkids.
I am a full-time student completing my MBA.

Writing commitments:
1) Faithwriters Challenge – once per week
2) My Blog – at least 3 posts per week – trying to get noticed
3) I also write for Suite101.com – 2 articles a week is optimum – performance payments
4) Examiner.com – I would like to write a piece each day – but three a week is ok – can guarantee myself a dollar each plus performance money
5) Associated Content and EzineArticles.com – I can list my FW challenge piece, examiner.com and blog posts – performance on AC – no pay on EzineArticles – but the best backlink to my blog/website available.
6) I also have a standing contract for a children’s book publisher – I write landing pages for them – once or twice a month – 30 bucks a pop
7) And an agreement with a web promotion site, I write articles with their keywords and post to my blog for 30-35 bucks a pop – whenever they ask for them. Usually one a month or so.
8) And a new commitment for short website content reviews – 10 bucks for 150 words each – sweet gig. I get assigned 15 at a time, and can complete them in 1.5 hours. Easy money.

It doesn’t sound like much, but when you factor in that I am also trying to get a platform built to get my nonfiction work published which includes posting on other’s blogs, forums, bookmarking, social networking, reading up on agents and publishers - I am just flat out overwhelmed. The time just adds up. Add to that the time I spend on facebook, twitter, etc. while I’m writing nothing.

I wrote a schedule of what I need to do each day to keep up with it – but it’s taking all the fun out of writing.

My needs:
Money for writer’s conferences – paid by the children’s publisher, blog posts and website reviews.

The other stuff is just to get my name out there. Associated Content and EzineArticles, simply copy what I have already written – so that doesn’t really add much to the time crunch.

Suite101.com is boring as all get out and the money is small, at least in the beginning, I only have 11 articles posted so far.

Examiner.com is wrecking their own reputation by having so many examiners. There’s probably even an opening for an examiner of its examiners at this point. They have so diluted their own pool… but I can get some guaranteed money by linking to local businesses in short articles. Plus I like writing about my grandkids.

I can’t figure out where to draw the line.

I don’t have time to re-visit my nf work – and haven’t looked at my novels in progress for months.

I am afraid to leave any money on the table because my company is on the verge of going under. I can’t make it on what unemployment will pay, and being 55 makes it hard to change jobs. I could probably do well if all I had to do was fulfill the writing commitments and not have to go to work every day, but that is a jump I am not yet ready to make.

I am taking 6 weeks off from school to regroup, but a week has gone by and I haven’t touched my nonfiction work yet.

You probably don’t really have any suggestions, but… take a shot if you don’t mind.

I can’t decide what to give up and what to keep….


Dear Can't Decide What to Give Up,
This letter was painful to read. You're like the wooden deck on the back of our house—splintered to the max. It's taken three passes for me to merely partially grasp the totality of your coNUNdrum. My goal is to make my answer considerably shorter than your question—which won't be difficult.


I can't tell you what to give up. Even if I did, I sense it would be like me asking Sam if I should paint the kitchen Robin's Egg Blue, or Cornflower Blue.  No matter what he answered, I'd pick the opposite. You just seem like that type, too.


So I'll offer guidelines and ask questions, instead.


-PRIORITIES! If you spend ALL your time on building a platform, and NONE of your time on the actual writing of your book, where will you be?


-I'm assuming your going back to school is somehow work/job/money related. If so, is the time-verses-return that you're spending on these more inconsequential writing jobs worth it? Is it better to complete your education and reap those rewards sooner?

-In the writing business, it's VERY difficult to win enough bread to keep a household fed, unless you can break into mid-echelons like—magazine/newspaper writing or belonging to a writing association that provides filler articles for all sorts of journals/newsletters etc.

-If your business goes under, which is the better return on your time--more of the small writing jobs, an outside job, or a combination of the two.


-I'd pick two (maybe three) of the smaller jobs that bring the most return for the time/effort (whether that's money or joy or platform building), and let the rest go. Then take an objective look at your fiction and non-fiction works and decide which has the MOST promise of success, and which will take the LEAST amount of time to finish—hopefully that will narrow it down to one. Put the bulk of your time and energy there. Be driven! Don't let Facebook (outside of ten minutes to check in twice a day), or any other rabbit trail derail your progress.


-Remember all the platform in the world won't help you if don't actually write the book!


-Set aside time to enjoy your spouse and grandchildren. Then GET BACK TO WORK! Decide decisively if you want to be successful or simply exhausted. Do you want to concentrate on the periphery work of being a writer or the ACTUAL work of being a writer. 
Then GET BACK TO WORK!


That's the best advice I have to give. It's so good, in fact, that I think I'll take some of it myself. 


May your splintering cease,  before you're reduced to kindling wood.


Over and Out,


Lisa


So witty and intelligent readers--if you're still with me—what's your take?

Will He Be Her Beefy Buttress?

Dear Blogger Chick,

I have a conNUNdrum...

My totally awesome wife / girlfriend / bride-of-my-youth is a writer.

She's really good at what she does.

The problem is: she pays a LOT of attention to her writing and not enough attention to me. (I'm needy that way.)

I'm not asking for much. I'd just like her to give me the occasional back rub; make my dinner; iron my clothes; starch my socks; weed the garden; change the oil; fix the roof; and look super-model-fabulous 24/7 just for me. Chicken wings and a few cold ones during the game would be good, too.

In return I'm completely willing to pick up my dirty socks and place them IN the clothes hamper at least 2 times out of 3. I'll also make an effort to remember the names and ages of our 3 children. (By now you can see what a magnanimous kinda guy I am.)

Any advice you can give will be truly appreciated.

I'll be anxiously awaiting your reply. You can find me in the tool shed.

Sincerely,
A Real SNAG (Sensitive North American Guy)


Dear Snag,

You sound remarkably similar to the Yahoo I married 23 years ago--but he was really more of a BAG (Benevolent Altruistic Guy) because he thought of others ahead of himself. Maybe you, too, were once like this, and have merely strayed from the original and better path.


It’s not too late.


You are obviously intelligent and discerning in your assessment of your wife’s capabilities. That’s a great start. How, though, have you shown her this of late? Has she by any chance asked for a portable Acer laptop--nothing top of the line--something basic to make better use of her time in the outside world which would free up more of her time at home to provide backrubs and oil changes? Hmmm? I didn’t think so.


What about writing conferences that offer workshops in balancing love and words? Sure you’ve probably said yes to the Faithwriter’s Conference in Livonia, but what about the ACFW Conference in Indianapolis that could make her a better writer/wife?


And here’s another thought that’s come to me out of the blue: could it be that her heart’s desire is not to teach ESL part-time during the school year, but to be a full-time writer, who fixes gourmet meals and starches your socks after her quiet time with God, but before she hits the gym? If this is her heart’s desire, where do you rate on the Support-Ship-o-meter?

From your letter, I picture your wife as a reasonable, non-demanding creature, who appreciates how hard you work. She would probably give up the Acer--which she doesn’t really need, wait for the next ACFW conference, and even semi-gladly work one more year to help out, if only she could sit comfortably while she writes. I’ve seen this scenario before--neglected spouse not getting the attention he deserves because at the end of a day, the writer’s back, neck, and wrists are aching and no matter how much she wants to, she just has nothing left to give.


I’ve provided links to an ergonomic chair and table that would solve both her coNUNdrum and yours--doing my part to get you out of the tool shed. See, this is benevolence at work.


http://sitincomfort.com/kneechairs.html


http://sitincomfort.com/codelast.html


The question must be asked again: Where do you rate on the Support-Ship-o-Meter? Does the needle remain immobile because you don’t believe in ergonomic hogwash, or will you make budgetary sacrifices and peg out as her Beefy Buttress?


These are all things to think about, SNAG. If you’re anything like my Yahoo, who besides being a BAG, is also a godly Christian man and wise husband/family leader, (who I love in spite of his public antics), then you’ll give my advice serious consideration. The attention you desire will come your way.

I can almost guarantee it.
Blogger Chick


No reply is necessary from you, SNAG (REALLY), but let’s hear from the STARS (Stunningly Talented & Astute Reader-Ship).

No Doormats on the High Road

Two things before we begin. First, Mari was right when she said that we all have our everyday coNUNdrums and they aren’t going to look like anyone else's (my paraphrase). So (almost) WHATEVER’s on your mind is up for discussion. And second, but MOST importantly, if you’re a Christian, I’m going to assume that you are seeking the Lord’s advice FIRST on EVERYTHING and that you are in PRAYER about your coNUNdrum. I’m not going to add those courses of action to every answer. They are givens.  If you aren't a Christian, it would probably irritate you to hear me say it over and over again.

Now here’s another riveting letter. No sarcasm on the riveting part. 

Dear Lisa,
My husband’s niece, “Jane” and her family live about 15 miles from here. This niece lived with us for a year in high school because her mom is a drug addict.

Anyway, Jane and her husband have three children (and she's pregnant again, but she doesn't know that we know), plus they are raising her two high school brothers.

For the last couple of years--since my husband’s parents died--we have helped them out a lot with babysitting and being sort of like surrogate parents. They used to live three minutes from us but about 1 1/2 yrs ago bought a house a couple of cities away. (btw, we loaned them $11,000 to help them get into the house, which was absolutely necessary when they took in her two brothers. As of today, they have not re-paid any of the money which we totally understand because they are living paycheck to paycheck.)

When they moved away, they became very involved with a church, and it wasn't as easy for us to just pop in, so we drifted apart a bit. We did still go to birthday parties and helped a little with babysitting and took them Christmas presents--although we did not have any Christmas gathering with them.

Since Christmas they have cut us off completely. Granted, we weren't really calling them, either, but they didn't invite us to two kids' birthday parties, and didn't tell us of major events, etc. Life got busy for us, too--and overwhelming with stress with our own son and me making some life changes--job, school.

I reached out to her a few weeks ago on Facebook, explaining that we missed them and that I was sorry we hadn't been in touch, and telling her about some of the changes I was making. Then on Sunday, we saw on FB that one of her brothers was getting baptized--which was huge because he was raised a Mormon by my husband’s parents. We immediately tried calling to find out when and where, but they didn't return our phone call.

I received a message today on FB telling me she has decided that we have different perspectives on what a family should be and on family values, so good luck with my job and classes, but there was really no need to stay in contact anymore.

So...do I/we reach out to them to find out what in the world is wrong? My first thought is to just say "sorry you feel that way," kiss off the $11,000 we loaned them, and never have contact again. My husband says that isn’t Christ-like.

I have enough stress and stress-inducing people in my life. I'm reading in her response that she thinks my "excuses" of life changes weren’t good enough--that I should have stayed in contact.

Suggestions? I'll take anything from snarky to Christ-like. :)

Signed,
Tired of Taking the High Road


Dear Tired of Taking the High Road,
Aren’t we all? It’s tiresome when we follow the “Christ-like” rules, while everyone else’s behavior gets to degenerate to the self-indulgent two-year old tantrum. I’d like to have one of those myself sometime. Where I yell exactly what bungee-jumps into my head, where if a ball’s involved I grab it and stomp home. Why should I and why should you always have to worry about how the other person feels? Your niece didn’t worry about hurting your feelings when she said, “Your perspective on family values gobbles dirt.” My interpretation.


Drat this knowledge we have about the high road. It would be sooo much easier to ignore it if we were ignorant of it.


On the other hand, we don’t have to be doormats, either. You can quote me to your husband who will have the right to say, “Who the heck is she?”


Well, enough chit-chat--let’s get down to business. It doesn’t sound like you’re hung up on the money--and that’s great. Nothing like money to skew our behavior. We both know the right thing to do is reach out again. The high road begins with you understanding how it feels to be in her shoes and telling her that you can understand why she might be hurt at your having stayed away--though it was NOT a statement on the value you placed on her and her family. I’d apologize for any hurt she might have felt. I’d also mention that you’ve had “issues” with your own son, and felt the need to circle the wagons close to home to give him what he needed. I’d add that part in the body of the message--before the apology.


Now here’s the part that might get readers irate. I think it would be a good idea to mention the money. Not because you want to be catty. Not because you want to lay a guilt trip. Not because you want it back. BUT because it is an indicator of how much you value family, and some people recognize that indicator above others. You could say, “Jane, if you search your heart one minute, I’m sure you’d see how deeply we value you and your family. At crucial times in your life, we were there with our home, with babysitting, and even with ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (don’t say it like that) to help your family purchase a home--not because we wanted something in return, but ONLY because we love you and value family. To allow yourself to believe otherwise is not right because it’s not the truth.”


If she doesn’t accept this than give her time and distance--the ball is in her court (you didn’t take it and stomp home). You’ve expressed yourself in an honest and loving way--aka the stinkin’ high road. On the off chance that she was trying to sever the relationship so she didn’t have pay you back, you’ve let her know that A--it’s not about the money, and B--you know what’s what and her low-road behavior isn’t going to change that. You’re also letting her know that while you aren’t guilting her, you’re not going to allow her to guilt you. You know what you gave to the relationship and where your heart is and can rest well at night.


You have to decide whether it’s better to deliver this in writing or in person. It depends upon the people involved. If your behavior or hers could go south, do it in a letter where she can read and re-read the words with less opportunity for twisting them.


I think that does it for me. Now for the wisdom of the masses.


Peace. (literally)
Out.
Lisa