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| We apologize in advance to our European friends. |
Dear MikChiks,
Can you shed some light on people who have a ‘victim’ mentality? I’ve seen it a lot recently, and it seems to take many forms.
I’m so poor. People who are constantly asking for help from friends, neighbors, and church because they’re unemployed or underemployed.
I’m so sick. People who define themselves by their chronic illnesses or disabilities.
I’m so tired. People whose jobs—or more often, whose children—wear them out with constant demands.
I’m so untalented. People whose masterpiece is still hidden under a sheet because they’ve never been able or willing to show it to the world.
I’m so unattractive. People who wallow in unhappiness about their own looks.
I’m so lonely. People who constantly bemoan their singleness or their empty nest.
First of all—one of those people is me, so I should probably just pack up my baggage and go home. But to all of those people (including myself), I just want to say (like Cher, in Moonstruck), “Snap out of it!”
I want to say, “Get a job! … Look at what Joni (or any number of similarly disabled people) has accomplished! … Be thankful you have jobs and children! … Either finish the thing, or find something better to do! … Be thankful for your body and your face; God thinks they’re beautiful! … Go find some people to love! … All of you, seriously—just stop harping about it and do something!
Whew! Yeah, that’s what I want to say, but I don’t. Because I suspect I’d be met with a huge chorus of yeah, but… with dozens of reasons why that might work for someone else, but not for them. Because their case is different, it’s special. So being a victim, it seems to me, is really a form of pride.
And yeah, I’m aware of how mean and cantankerous I’m being right now, and I don’t really love it. So while you’re explaining that victim mentality to me, maybe you can help me with finding a way to be gracious to those victims.
Signed,
Over It.
Over It.
Dear Over It,
We'd like to have a moment of silence to note the irony of you griping about gripers.
*Silence*
Next we'd like to run. But we won't.
People want to be understood. We are social yet self-centered creatures, and we want our pain to be seen, understood, and validated (or in some cases refuted) by someone else.
And we comply out of love.
No, those pants most definitely don't make you look fat.
We help you feel like the hero of a Lifetime original drama where Morgan Freeman is narrating and you just saved a school bus full of children from a pack of rabid hyenas, all with your broken leg, a fourth grade education, a weird birthmark on your face, and a terrible singing voice--because this is also a musical.
We do this out of love and because we are all in the same boat.
Everyone carries a burden (or two).
Everybody desires understanding.
But it's easy to let that desire go too far.
People don't want to think of themselves as helpless whiners, so some attach addendums onto their circumstances. I'm not just menopausal; I'm hypertensive, with a history of dementia and the medication I have to take makes me lactose intolerant.
Over it, we totally understand and affirm your frustration with the person who has let their circumstances consume their identity.
Fun Fact:^^The above sentence is a great way of dealing with victims. ^^
I understand and affirm your frustration.
You don't have to write a poem about how special they are, but let them know that you get them. Don't withhold gratification because of a selfish knee-jerk reaction on your part.
Some victims, however, have been at this routine for soooooooo long, that you won't be able to help them feel understood.
You won't. You won't. You won't.
In these extra-tough cases, drop a solution every now and again, but don't engage them when they brush you off.
Victim: "I'm super bummed about how ugly my nose is."
You: "You could get a nose job."
Victim: "But I'm afraid of doctors."
You: "Okay, then. Hey, did you see that new Woody Allen movie?"
You: "Okay, then. Hey, did you see that new Woody Allen movie?"
And lastly, when you feel yourself getting fed up with victims, loving from a distance can be the best love of all, because a not-so-fun fact is that sometimes you have to be the one to just...well...get Over It, if you will.
We eagerly await the response of the Wise Readership.
All in Goodwill,
Maddie and Lisa.
Maddie and Lisa.
So well said! Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteWell said, indeed! It's also good to say, "let's pray about that (whatever the situation is) right now and put in God's hands." I mean this in a very sincere and caring way.
ReplyDeleteDear Over it,
ReplyDeleteWell, since you decided to give yourself this little no-nonsense pep-talk via the MikChicks forum maybe you wouldn't mind someone else's view about what the victim mentality can do to the ole psychie.
Not my own personal view. Not sure I could be so bold, but ... Joyce Meyer sure can.
She has lots of good resources on how to get out of that kind of emotional rut.
Down-to-earth-no-pulling-punches-stuff.
So in case anyone is interested. Look her up, or listen to any of her podcasts to get a feel for her practical teachings.
No fluff, just good stuff.
Like, how to live in joy, and peace, and rest and all the good things Christ died to give us.
And like, how to get out of the victim mentality and change it around.
Even how to enjoy life regardless of our circumstances.
That is, in case, anyone who is not Over It wants to be. : )
It works!
Hugs, and blessings, and prayers, and all things possible,
Pat : )
Sounds like good old reflective listening up to a point. sandie
ReplyDeleteGood responses, Mik Chiks, (and not once did you say, "Would you like a little cheese with that "whine"!) Whining is something we did at children and waited (not so patiently) for our children to grow out of. Occasionally, we all just need a little whine and a little cry to keep going, but those who whine continually do need our prayers. . . like Rita said.
ReplyDeleteMUITO BOM! Eu acredito que Deus criou o homem e deixou o manual de instrução, a “BÍBLIA SAGRADA!” A bíblia é a divina revelação da palavra de Deus e não produtos enlatados, eu costumo dizer que: “As pessoas precisam parar de comer tudo o que dão. E começar a questionar! ” Alguém escuta alguma coisa de alguém, e saem falando, sem questionar, sem saber se é verdade ou não. As pessoas precisam se perguntar! Será que a minha crença esta de acordo com a lei de Deus? Será que a religião que eu nasci sempre me falou a verdade? Quando uma pessoa morre pra onde ela vai? Ela volta? A bíblia apóia o homossexualismo? Quem não herdara o reino de Deus? O que devo saber sobre idolatria, imagens e escultura? O que devo saber sobre o único batismo? Será que tem uma seqüência para salvação? A quem eu devo me confessar, quem pode me perdoar? Religião salva alguém? Essas e outras perguntas e respostas em:
ReplyDeletewww.aunicaverdadeemsuapropriabiblia.blogspot.com
Você pode dizer, eu já sou salvo amém! Vamos atrás de quem não esta, “Se você quer se dar bem com o mundo seja hipócrita, mas se você quer se dar bem com Deu seja verdadeiro!” divulgue este site, porque: “Eis que vêm dias, diz o Senhor Jeová, em que enviarei fome sobre a terra, não fome de pão, nem sede de água, mas de ouvir as palavras do Senhor. E irão vagabundos de um mar até outro mar, e do norte até ao oriente; correrão por toda parte, buscando a palavra do Senhor, e não a acharão." ( Amós cap 8 ver 11 e 12 )Fale para outras pessoas, por que “O Senhor não retarda a sua promessa, ainda que alguns têm por tardia: mas é longânimo para convosco, não querendo que alguns se percam, senão que todos venham a arrepender-se.” (II Pedro cap. 3 ver 8) e “Que quer que todos os homens se salvem, e venham ao conhecimento da verdade. Porque há um só Deus, e um só Mediador entre Deus e os homens, Jesus Cristo o homem. (I A Timóteo cap 2 ver 5 e 6)
Seja sua bíblia, católica ou evangélica, aqui você vai tirar suas duvidas.
www.aunicaverdadeemsuapropriabiblia.blogspot.com
E conhecereis a verdade, e a verdade vos libertara (João cap 8 ver 32) Se você tiver coragem de perguntar, a bíblia terá coragem de responder!
When I was a freshman in college, I roomed with a girl I did not know. She was fit, friendly, full of the self-confidence of almost all 18-year-olds (except for me) and...was not going to conscience hearing me put myself down after a month or so of my apparently rampant self-derision. Therefore, she decided to SLAP ME every time she heard me put myself down.
ReplyDeleteShe slapped me 3 times in 10 minutes after the first warning.
Clearly, I'd become a cartoon of my own assessments, and it was not jibing with what she experienced as reality.
So, thank you Deanna White, for shocking me into self-awareness. Maybe now you're beyond the slapping stage, but the method worked just fine for someone as engrained in behavior as I was.
Not saying it would work for everyone, but hey, a positive verbal comeuppance as your astute readers have suggested might just work a treat.
All good stuff. But getting down to brass tacks (whatever the heck that means)...
ReplyDelete(Beware, micro-sermon follows!)
The ultimate answer is, you need to really know God, and know who God is, and then understand who you are. You were made in God;s image. Think about that. Let it soak in. OK, yeah, we live in a fallen world; Adam, Eve, Satan, fruit, blah, blah, blah.
But... if Jesus truly redeemed us (and I assure you he did), and if he is perfect, the second Adam (and God assures us he is), and if we are now like him (and the Bible assures us we are), then.... you are ascribing those attributes (poor, ugly, stupid, worthless, uncreative, etc.) to God.
Don't freak out! This isn't about a guilt trip. It's about a reality slap (in love, of course 8^). Go look up God's attributes. Then go look in a mirror, and know that that's what he sees when he looks at *you*[1]. Your job is simply to believe in him and believe you are who he says you are instead of the lies you've been believing, so that you start acting like who you are instead of who you've been told you are by other parties. None of whom, I might add, are as reliable as observers or reporters as is God.
Of course, you are right, Roadkills! And as we grow closer to His image, it becomes easier to accept who we are in HIM--awesome and loved creatures (as you might say). We were trying to give some practical advice for the interim and for the occasional backslides:).
ReplyDeleteAppreciate all the input--but have to have a talk with Salviano--if we wants us to go visit his website, there are better ways to do it than posting mile-long monologues. Besides our Portuguese is rusty.
It's hard sometimes to be patient with the poor me syndrome. If only it were so easy for everyone to self-actualize and realize we're responsible for our own potential and life.
ReplyDeleteAs my good friend Manzanita would say.... Buck Up!! LOL..
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed this! Instead of bemoaning the bad, today I'm going to praise the Lord for His goodness! God bless!
ReplyDeleteIt's a real-life problem that affects everyone to a certain extent, I think. The trick is to a) know it's wrong, b) catch yourself doing it and c) follow our own advice.
ReplyDeleteI find teachings on the grumbling Israelites of Exodus to be quite helpful here.
And a good dollop of perspective.
We are so spoiled by blessings if we could only realise it (and when I say we I mean me). We are never happy. For instance, as Morrissey would say, "I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I'm miserable now!" But take a look at the news: how many people in the world would love the lifestyle that we have (a dry, warm place to live, a soft place to sleep, with a bathroom on the inside, a guaranteed meal a day, without hordes of militia men continually harassing us, coming to maim and murder)... But still, no matter how often I tell myself this, I still find myself grumbling about one thing or another.
"If only..."
I make myself sick sometimes... and ... there I go again...
How can we get it into our heads to enjoy the life/body/work we have?
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God. (Psalms 42:5-6)
I can answer about people whose illness/disability "defines" them. Depending on whether you know me, I may be the person you are complaining about.
ReplyDeleteThere are two facets to this answer. The first one is obvious, the second not so much.
The obvious one, though obvious, is hard to grasp. Some diseases are enccompassing, or in medical-speak, intrusive. That is, they have so many symptoms or are so severely debilitating, that the impact on a person's life is very high.
So high that it crowds other things out. This is where it gets hard to actually understand. People may not have other things besides the illness going on, because they literally don't have the energy to, for example, go out for coffee with a friend. They may not have the capacity to follow sports on TV.
That doesn't mean that they aren't interested in other things, just that they can't think of something else to say because there's nothing interesting going on, and they are too brain-fogged to think. This link may help you understand how to help such a friend: http://getwellfromme.com/2011/8-helping-a-friend-with-me/
The second facet, the one that isn't obvious at all, is even more difficult to understand, because it flies in the face of the "just world hypothesis" and defies almost all the knowledge and experience you have ever had. There are basically two kinds of diseases/disabilities.
The one kind is the sort that Joni has, the kind you are likely familiar with. You go to the doctor, the doctor diagnoses you, you get whatever medical help is available, assistive devices, and so forth. In short, you get compassion and understanding.
The other kind of disability/disease is the kind that I have. It's either very rare, or politically incorrect (do you remember that Multiple Sclerosis used to be "hysterical paralysis" and autism used to be "refrigerator mother syndrome"? it's actually a pretty typical response, for them to decide a disease/disability is too difficult to research and therefore, to solve the problem that the doctor doesn't know what to do and he should... they say that instead of being an actual medical disease, it's a personal problem of the patient or patient's family).
Either way, there is no help, no assistive devices, no compassion, no understanding. Often no treatments (and in the case of politically incorrect disease, often no access to off-label treatments which may help) and negligible funding for reserach.
Have you seen Lorenzo's Oil? In that true-life movie, the family pushes for funding and research and treatment for a rare condition. Sometimes, the patients need to be part of the solution because no one else cares. That's the case for these second kinds of diseases/disabilities.
I chose to spend my (very!) limited energy advocating for my disease, to make the world a better place for others with my disease and hopefully, all people in the "politically incorrect diseases" category. Nobody deserves to be treated the way we are, the way MS and autism patients used to be treated.
Unfortunately, because my energy is so extremely limited, I don't have much left over for other things. Thus I appear disease-focused. But it's not inward-directed. It's actually a fabulous coping mechanism. It gives me a sense of purpose and that I hopefully have some control over this horrible disease, and I have connected with a network of amazing people all over the globe.
MikChiks, you totally nailed this one. Over It, Graham Cooke says God puts "grace growers" or people who annoy us in our lives to work out our own issues. They are providing you opportunities to practice your new identity in Christ (tolerance, patience, lovingkindness) rather than your old habit of annoyance, intolerance, etc, which died on the cross with Jesus.
ReplyDeleteJanelle, I don't believe the writer of the letter was referring to you at all. I think most of us get that there are special circumstances out there, and I do believe many (including us) have compassion for what you are going through. We admire your determination to make this world a better place--regardless if it's for the majority or the minority. Numbers don't dictate courageous action.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteThanks very much. :)
I was less concerned about perhaps defending myself, though, and more concerned that the ill people that folks know, might genuinely have an intrusive disease (whether ME or something else).
There are lots of sick and isolated folks out there who lose their friends because many people don't know how to relate to a sick person. These sick people really need healthy people in their lives. People who can call them and talk for 5 or 10 minutes about normal things, or help with the dishes or drive them to the doctor. Or just listen to the sick person talk about their headaches and help them process their emotions that way.
There is a tremendous opportunity to share the love of Christ by noticing the chronically ill in your churches and communities, and being there for them.
(I didn't mean to confuse rare diseases with ME/CFS, though. We estimate 1 million with ME/CFS in the USA, 17 million around the world. That's a lot. It's just that rare and politically incorrect diseases have in common, the need to advocate for themselves.)
Again, thanks for the kind words. :)