Dear Stuffed Readers,
Today we have a conundrum for you. It's a valid conundrum, but it's a long one. A really long one. So we made an Executive Decision to give you the Cliff Notes. But if you'd like the whole schmear, click here.
If you'd like to save an hour of life that you can never get back, read here:
-"Sally's" Mom and Aunt have never gotten along well. Mom is a type A personality who borders on the unforgiving side. Aunt is a free spirit who borders on the flaky side. Both are good people. Neither of them have been able to make it work between themselves.
-Christmas was the only time everybody got along, because they went to Grandma's. Gmom's house was a magical place where nobody fought. (Everyone should have such a place.)
-Gmom checked out and moved into the Perfect Home--another place where nobody fights.
-It's not looking like the two sister-sides of the family are getting together for Christmas.
-Sally has asked Aunt if there's an afternoon where she can come and visit, but this hardly seems like enough.
-Should Sally do more to round everybody up and keep tradition alive? Or should she leave things alone?
Dear Sally,
This is a tough one. There's a lot outside of your control. You're a third party between sisters. Awkward and not good.
It's great that you've made the first step in having a hangout date with Aunt. Hopefully this can happen before Christmas, and you can get an idea of where her head's at.
Overall, think long term, not short. Don't get hung up on this Christmas, but look ahead to Christmases maybe three years down the line. Baby steps. Maybe Mom and Aunt need to see what it's like to have separate holidays to make them nostalgic.
Then because we're gluttons for punishment, even as we're looking through our rosy glasses, believing in the possibility of family harmony, we'd have to try at least once (or twice. . .) to gather all the crazies together—on neutral ground—if possible.
In the meantime, remain in contact with Aunt. Keep up on general current events in her life, and let her know you're thinking of her. Your gentle presence and communication will reassure her that she has someone who really likes her in your Mom's camp.
When you talk with Mom, don't be heavy-handed in your agenda to reunite the family. Type A personalities usually have a strong sense of justice, and if she feels that you are just trying to give Aunt a freebie on past offenses for the sake of Christmas, she'll only dig her heels in more. Just tell her you were talking to Aunt the other day and things are going well for her, yadda, yadda, yadda.
You can't force Aunt and Mom to be buddies and hang out, but you can slowly develop yourself into the new bridge that binds them.
And that's beautiful.
*sniff, sniff*
What's your take, oh Wise and Experienced Readers?
xoxo
Lisa and Maddie
I'm voting to "stay out"--Just pray about it and keep a loving relationship with both. It is sad when family members hold grudges--especially at Christmas time--a season of love for the Lord and for each other. At least, that's the way it's supposed to be. And the advice from the Mik Chiks is wise indeed!
ReplyDeleteCareful advice, as usual MicMeisters. I especially approve of the two (or more) year moratorium on large family gatherings. Absence makes the heart grow fonder or grow more fodder for vitriol. Whatever the case, young "Sally" might also become more than a bridge in the future years by volunteering to orchestrate family gatherings in neutral public places. "Public" may dissuade any public show of said vitriol between the two matriarchs and possibly introduce a strong candidate for grande matriarch in the young "Sally."
ReplyDeleteI'd only say something if the door is wide open and God shoves you through it. But that's just me. I'm rather non-confrontational. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Mari--just testing out this nifty reply button you made! Thank You--you big chicken!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI may not be wise, but it is safe to say that I'm quite experienced at playing monkey-in-the-middle-of-a-family-of-apes.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the kids can take on a bit of Gmom's role now, since you (Sally) are semi-tight with Auntie and your mom must have some relationship with the cousins (since they stayed at her place for a wee while). Use that ground to begin building a relational foundation outside of Gmom's influence. Keep Aunt updated on your life, with plenty of "mom" news tucked in. And encourage cousins to keep your mom updated on their life, with plenty of "aunt" news tucked in.
Good plan to let this year slide, but I wouldn't go too long or those lovely expectations that often motivate us to reach out will have melted away in the busyness of life.
You end on a great point, Di!
ReplyDelete