Dear Readers-
We kick off the year with a "cruddie" conundrum. And, though we have thoughts on it, we feel the Letter Writer might prefer to hear from you first and foremost.
And we're okay with that:).
Dear MikChiks--
I currently have four--yes, four!--good friends who are in cruddy marriages. (And I promise you, this isn't one of those thinly veiled "I have a friend who..." letters.) They're all living in varying degrees of crud, and all of them take their marriage vows very seriously. So it's likely that the crud will continue, and my friends will be stuck in their sadness for a long time. Yes, I know that things can change, and that marriages can be healed. I also know that lots of times, nothing changes, ever.
Here's my question--I'd love to hear from other people who have decided to stay in less-than-ideal marriages. FAR less than ideal, in fact. Anonymous replies would be dandy. Why do they stay? How do they deal with the pain? Would they ever consider walking away, and what would be the tipping point?
And for you, MikChiks--do you have any thoughts on this? I know you to be very romantic and optimistic. (Not overly so!) But if there's no infidelity and no violence, just misery, what can be done?
Sad Observer
So Thoughtful Readers, what do you think? You are welcome to leave a comment here and now, but you are also welcome to write directly to us (miks@shentel.net; mfmik@yahoo.com). We'll post your responses (anonymously if you'd like) on Monday's blog, where we'll add our thoughts to yours.
Well, week one of the New Year is done. That went fast. Hoping you and yours enjoy every minute of the first weekend!
All in Goodwill,
Maddie and Lisa
P.S. Lisa did some moonlighting over at JoE's
I'm not in a cruddy marriage, but I have an excellent book to recommend for your friends. "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. Basically, it tells a wife how to overcome a cruddy marriage, biblically. Awesome awesome awesome life changing book.
ReplyDeleteThis ministry has ministered to numerous women (and men) who were in about the cruddiest situations you could imagine. There are some keys to turning things around, but it takes time and a lot of work and self-control. Begin by making a decision to stop looking at and allowing yourself to focus on your spouse's faults and, instead, look at what is good in him/her. It takes denying a "right" to happiness and to consider your marriage a ministry to your "cruddy" partner while honestly and deliberately examining your own heart and ways to learn what may be offensive to him/her. And, it takes a decision not to set unrealistic expectations or compare your marriage to the chick-flicks on Lifetime or Hallmark Channel. I realize these are not deep, psychological or theological exercises, but it's a starting place. My hubby and I have weathered some pretty rough storms in our 40 years of marriage. We made a vow to one another before we wed that the word "divorce" would never be allowed to be uttered from our lips. I can honestly say it was not always easy to keep on the way things were, but the one thing that saved us was that first vow and finally deciding we weren't in the marriage for ourselves or how we would benefit from it (emotionally or physically) but that we were in it so we could bless each other even if it meant doing so without reciprocation.
ReplyDeleteIf you look at marriage in the ancient Jewish culture, it was a contract that was entered into, often long before "love" melted the heart. While I'm not saying we shouldn't expect to be loved, honored and respected by our spouse, there is a great misconception about what constitutes love -- sex is not love contrary to our culture. Even today in many third world countries, marriage is arranged by parents to establish a family line and inheritance, to maintain a level in society, and to produce offspring. You find a very low instance of divorce simply because they aren't inundated with false images in the media leading fleshly lust rather than long-time commitment and honoring one another. Marriage is giving ... when we begin looking at it in that framework, it's easier to begin to love and see that perhaps our spouse loves us more than we realize.
Obviously there's a lot that goes into building a strong marriage, but we've got to get the focus off of how our needs are NOT being met and begin to see how we can meet the needs of our spouse.
We've taught women (and a few men along the way) to not pursue the "prodigal" or "cruddy" spouse except to do loving acts of kindness and learn how to meet their needs in a way that honors them. But, never sit down and ask why they don't show us love or badger them about not thinking about us or meeting our needs. "Give and it shall be given unto you ..." is the foundation for a healthy marriage that, even if it is void of true love at the beginning, will grow into an abiding relationship that is deeper and more satisfying than anything television or the media can capture on film.
God can turn the cruddiest marriage around if we approach it through the Word of God, building on His principles, and being willing to expose our own faults through self-examination, confession and repentance so the Lord can take the broken vessels of both husband and wife and make them new.
Don't know if this helps at all ... I've seen these principles work if at least one partner is willing to deny self and learn now to give until there's nothing left to give, and then give some more.
God bless!
I am not in a cruddy marriage. But, I will also say it has not always been nor will it EVER be all sunshine and roses...we have had our fair share of 'crud' and somehow we always seem to make it work? For awhile it was 'cruddy' when the girls were little and we thought "what about the girls?" and we worked hard to stick together and make it work. I don't know your friends' circumstances if it is just they are just plain miserable. Hopefully there is not any verbal or physical abuse going on because that is a whole different can of worms! I do not know if it can even be repaired at all..I am not being much help at all! I am sorry. My advice to my married daughters? Marriage is work, if you think Dad and I are always happy and do not work at it 24/7 you are wrong! Hoping you and also these friends can find peace and happiness in the New Year.
ReplyDeleteI experienced a marriage that was at first dandy, then cruddy, then downright ...unworkable. I bailed, and in a shamefully spectacular fashion. I don't recommend it. HOWEVER, once I did bail (and I needed to), I was able to take stock of what was so horrible and what was not meant to be part of a relationship and how I was part of what went so terribly wrong. Some of that after-thought might be a good thing to do every so often we thoughts of abandoning ship are upon us.
ReplyDeleteNo relationship is perfect among humans. Can't be. But, they can be pretty close to it if you're in alignment with the ones you love.
My heart goes out to those who are in less-than-satisfying marriages, and my fondest hope is that though honest communication they can recapture a little part of what it was that made them think '"Hey - I'd like to marry this person" back when that decision was being made. At times that's really REALLY hard to do, but eve nif youcatch one glimpse it's something with which you can start.
I've often wondered this very same thing over the years when I've met couples where the man is all about his role as husband being met by his wife. Not sure I'd put up with a degrading, ego-filled man...probably why I didn't choose one.
ReplyDeleteWe change over time. I'm assuming both parties in the relationships have changed throughout their marriage. If the vows are so important to them, then they should examine exactly what those vows say. If they are believers, I mean truly put their faith in the God who loves them through and through...any marriage is salvageable.
It takes work and commitment, but oh the rewards of a happy healthy marriage restored by God is endless.
My heart goes out to women suffering with the crud.
This is "Sad Observer" again. As interesting as these comments are, I wasn't really looking for advice or "shoulds". I'm mostly hurting for my friends, and longing to hear from people who are currently in bad marriages. I need to know why they stay, what keeps them going, how they find joy, and if they have hope for the future. I'm not much for platitudes, either--isn't there anyone out there who's got a gritty answer for a gritty situation?
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, Sad Observer, I don't think the responses here are platitudes--they just aren't from the perspective/voice that you are looking for. We'll see what we can drum up.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, Sad Observer. Your inquiry makes me wonder what others say (or think) when they look at my marriage. It is NOT pretty, NOT healthy, and I don't know if it ever will be. I won't go into any details other than without a miracle, I don't see my "marriage" being what God originally designed it to be -- ever.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I stay? Several reasons.
1) He's not physically healthy and guilt hounds me.
2) Underneath all my disappointment, I do love my husband.
3) After begging God to release me from this union, His response was, "You do what is right, and I will deal with him." This is in reference to Abigail's appeal to the future king David when her husband refused to supply David's men with needed foods and such.
4) My parents divorced when I was a teenager. It was the ugliest, most horrifying experiences and displays of childish behavior I've ever seen in two adults who insist their four children "grow up and act their age".
So, as you can see, there's a mix of emotion, commitment, and guilt that cements my feet to the marriage floor. I know I can't trust my husband in a lot of areas, but I can trust God who sees it all and will deal with it in His perfect time, in His perfect way, whether through healing or dissolution or sorts.
Anyway, I hope this gives some insight.
I stay because it's a commandment. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Thou shalt not covet." "Thou shalt not murder." I stay because I have something to look forward to- someday I'm going to see Jesus and that makes everything I go through in this life worth the struggle. Joy? Sometimes you have to think small. Today was a good day because I chose to remain silent instead of fight back. When you stop and think about it, marriage is really just a blink of an eye. How much time do we spend sleeping or sitting on the toilet or waiting for the red light to change? In the words of Kenny Chesney, "You take a nap and you wake up and you're 25". Christ gives me the strength to overcome everything I set my mind to- even a loveless marriage.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think it's probable, if we are all honest, that every marriage has some cruddy moments? If there are those who haven't, one of the partners must never have ventured an opposing opinion. Although God may have saved us, he has not removed our humanness.
ReplyDeleteHere is a little practical advice from observations I have read and seen about marriage that might be helpful for someone wanting to improve her marriage; these are written to women, but they would work for men as well:
1. Stop praying for God to change him (unless his
actions are really hurting himself and others). Instead, pray for God to change you to make you more accepting and forgiving.
2. Do not belittle him or criticize him to others.
(My mom used to say, "Never spit in the well; you might want to drink from it sometime.")
3. Forgive him for his wrongs, whether he asks you to or not, and ask God to help you to forget them. In any case, do not continue to bring up to him what you have forgiven.
4. Never cease to pray for him to draw closer to God,
and, if he is not a Christian, for your light to shine before him to cause him to be drawn to the Lord by your godly actions.
5. When you are not happy with conditions you are unable to change, find something to do that makes you happy--a service to others, a hobby, a project.
6. Do not criticize his family. Do your best to get along with them.
7. Never stop praying for God to bless your marriage because the sacrament of marriage was ordained by Him; thus you are praying in His will
8. Do not stay with a man who is physically abusing you
and/or your children.
I hear you, Sad Observer, and find myself in a similar situation with my group of close friends. Marriages seem to be seriously under attack... although that isn't anything new.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what you are really asking the readers here. Easy answers dissipate, and even belittle. But truly effective, gritty answers are intimately connected to the situation... and what's real for my marriage seems cliche, pat and "easy" to you.
"Why do they stay?" This answer is different for everyone, and runs the gamut from guilt (as outlined by anonymous below) to obligation, fear and genuine conviction. Often the answer changes with the seasons. Are you searching for encouragement to offer your friends?
"How do they deal with the pain?" It's not a platitude to admit that God is the go-to-guy for dealing with pain. He promises us that He'll be an ever-present help in times of trouble, but we need to seek that help. And I'll testify from experience that when God shows up in our time(s) of need, powerful, incredible and miraculous things DO happen. There are practical, step-by-step methods that can work, as well, as mentioned in many comments below.
"Would they ever consider walking away, and what would be the tipping point?" Again, subjective. IMHO tipping points are often created by outside influences, while anchor points come from within the person.
My gritty, somewhat callous answer to a dark, dreadful and incredibly personal situation? Neither happiness NOR misery are inevitable in any circumstance (forgive my grammar). They are powerful states of emotion that greatly influence our decisions, but how much of that power do we bestow on them? Do our emotions control us, and if so, is that healthy or right?
One of my best friends, and heart sisters, is struggling with her marriage (and her happiness) right now. And although I know the logic of my comment above, my soul screams with her pain and misery. I can only listen to her and pray... I guess gritty answers don't always work.
Lots of wise words here that I will tuck away in case someday I, too, am in a marriage relationship.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed not to have any first hand experience here so I am just going to pray for the marriages that need healing <3
ReplyDelete